Someone who does not want to change will not change, someone who activley seeks to get worse will not get better. you cannot stop me unless you kill me. You know im known like the concept of randy stair's' names. my name is reagan lipman but truely annika lipman just like randy stair -> andrew blaze, you know?? Annika lipman abriviates to AL, so does adam lanza. it was meant to be. thats joking retarted specualtion, dont take this shit seriously. Lets pretend it's april 2009 again, or even better april 1999. columbine just happened on the 20th and i am in love with both of those columbiners. they were god that day, they got to decide who lived and who died.If you hit yourself with cheap sharp blades you can make some kinda deep cuts in your skin. do not read this and think Oh She Was Mentally Ill and Cut Herself Thats WHy She And Her Friend Commited A Shooting, no thats not the fucking reason idiot, keep bloody searching. screenshot my site and add it to your archives, make a subreddit about me, idfc. I made this site and the menia site about randal ivory since my friend had drawings of randal from ranfren.
here: site now you can go pet randal. hahah a couple days ago i sold my big computer to get a smaller computer but i fucked up the computer i just sold, i had to recode shit in the terminal on the startup page, not fun. "by the time ive assmebled this a line of jocks have tackled me, not good" i shouldnt quote Zero Day, they are gonna think me watching school shooting movies influnced me to commit a shooting, which it didnt, keep fucking searching idiot. im gonna call you an idiot a lot, and tell you to keep looking because at some point in this goddamn essay of a webpage ill write my motive, reason, and ryhme. also some song lyrics probably. Dylan Klebold and eric harris were known for liking KMFDM and Nine inch nails. i wanna be known for Radiohead or something, im kinda over my blur phase as of 2024.holy shit its already 2024, there you have your site date. I went to niles north highschool in skokie illinois, grew up in a fucking neoliberal town surrounded by tucutes and terroist immagrints, thats just a generalization for simplicity, i dont think all indies and arabs and people are terroists lol, just an overwhelming amount of them due to shit governmenst not doing stuff until they commit violence. i had my childhood home searched TWICE for guns by some bitch ass recource officer named de la vega, retarted ass 3 piece name good christ. I wonder how many paragraphs i can write before i overload this godamn site. Screw it, im gonna add pictures. i know how to code, ignore my search history of me asking how to code.....
so thats eric and dylan, dead, after shooting 13, in columbine highschool, on april 20th 1999, idk how many times ive had to say who they are to the school people asking me why im interested in them. my dean caught me looking at this image on the school computer ( not this image exaclty ) and asked me if i had a hit list lol. i said no sir. little does he know my hitlist is mental, and mainly just people who annoy me or seem infirouer. infirier, there is no autocorrect on html code, inferiour, the word for less than, something or someone less than you, you know what im trying to spell right?
this is the exact photo I was caught with, this was what started the schools second police investigation against me.
here is another columbine photo, sorry its so fucking huge, please read all my stuff on a computer for your sake and the sake of my grave, PLEASE. i hope internet archive cant show you previous versions!! this isnt fag behavoir, im not a guy and ive made that clear earlier. I attract autistic white males it seems, 1, 4, 5, possibly 2. remember, for annonimity, since im not fucking eric harris despite me and my friend having the same morris brigs, marris, what, what is it called? meyers brigs personality thing, yes, continueing ( this is unfiltered ) im not eric harris despite having the same mbti myers brigs testing score of him. that is intj, yes. eric harris posted his threats about brooks brown i think to his public aol account but i dont think it was atcually aol. aoHELL! I need ciggeretses i need cigs, i need fags, i need cigerettes.
Modern day teenagers piss me off, you wanna know what pisses me off? heh people who just fill their days with meaningless distraction to get through it. they dont watch educational or informational videos, they dont plan their future, they dont document their thoughts, they dont drink or smoke, they dont ride their bikes, they dont have after school clubs. they are nothings who deserve to die. i can immediatly think of a girl who kinda fits this subtype. tucutes usually do nothing with their lives except do shit with gender to get attention. hahahahaah, this is a real html yap session am i right? im sorry, i will never talk like that again, please forgive me. ugghhh im not a tranny please, dont ever fucking mistake for for a tranny. i just dress like a guy sometimes, look like a guy sometimes and renamed myself to something unisex,that doesnt make me a tranny, i am a girl i am a girl. now the news is going to speculate that i commited a school shooting due to my interalized transphobia, but that is wrong, keep fucking looking idiot. they are going to say i was angry at the modern world so i commited a school shooting, that is wrong, keep fucking trying idiot. you aint close, you aint warm,you aint hot, but your getting through this god awfully long document. i like the u.s. military, im too weak right now for it since im a young girl, but ive i gain more muscle mass and loose fat weight id be perfect. id rather do the military than college and just killmyself if things dont go well but i dont know i if i can join with scars all over my damn arm. im gone past return, point too far out to turn around, ( scars already keloids ) point of return to far beyond it.
this is my own html site so I can do what I want. It's crazy how im writing this at 14, and then when either im old enough to get semi automatic guns or my friend is we shall finally blow this popsicle stick. As of right now, im not writing as much on here at this current time ( yes i know this statment was redundant and that i should capitulize my i's ) now the news is gonna assume I commited a school shooting because I know of the problems i need to fix but ignore them anyway, which is wrong, keep looking idiot-reader
The day i leave to have my final day, the day we go nbk, im going to smash the usb's with bricks because i dont trust you whores to take care of my stuff. I am currently in the midsts of getting rid of everything while also keeping SOME items. one day, the plants are sadly gonna have to go. i might just bury them in my backyard or give them to my dad. my dad has been getting on my nerves latley, and from the first rant in this document you can tell i have a strong disliking for my mother. Now, the news reporters are gonna say my disconnect with a favorable relationship with my parents is the reason why I shot up a school, which is false, keep looking idiot. god. you know, apprently, as maybe in one of his senior photos ( skin colored keloid scars ) and written as to doing it in his own diary, Dylan Klebold was suspected to have selfharmed by cutting himself. I love Dylan. Dogma the cat killa abriviates to DK for dogma killa, you know, like <<-VoDkA->>, dk? dylan klebold? dk? sorry. (Wtf was i on about)
Dylan was <<-VoDkA->> and Eric was Reb I think. my apologies to the html site mistaking <<-VoDkA->> for a tag command cos of the < and -. I need a sign tag for this site, if dylan was <<-VoDkA->> for drinking a whole bottle of vodka once ( allegidly ) and eric is reb cos columbine rebels and their rebel missions, then i shall be RAygun, because reagan annika. yes, smart yes. RAygun. If this document never reaches the light of day, that means I never commited the shooting, if this document does reach the light of the interenet that means I either commited a shooting ( search for the name Annika Lipman / Reagan Lipman on the news ) or commited suicide. idk how you would find out i commited suicide, unless you checked the news of the state where my body was found. who knows where ill be living when i kill myself. i eventually see myself killing myself. either just because, or because i shot a bunch of highschoolers. i want to shoot my brains out with a glock 20 sf like lanza. speaking of adam lanza, the ddr, for pedophilia, possible nambla joining, rantza, and shooter / murder obessed- idk where i was going with this, my apoligies. you are currently reading the writings of a 14 year old. i will soon be 15 because it is april and i was born in the same month as the columbine shooting. people like to call it the columbnie massacare, but there was only 13 people killed ( 15 if you include the sucides of the shooters ). in my opinion ( IMO ) ( i used abrviations wrong ) in my OPINION, the term massare should be reserved for events of higher kill counts, like for wars or genocides, not when random men (they were boys) with guns shoot up events and schools. Seung-hui cho, ( i think thats how you spell it ) one of adam's favorite shooters ( also one he could probably relate too honestly ) got like a kill count just over 30, adam lanza himself got a kill count of like 26, lanza's event was called the sandyhook massacre, but in the grand scheme of things, despite being mainly children, was not a lot of people honeslty. Once again, I think the term massacre should be saved for mass kilings. and i know shootings are considered mass shooting when its over like 3 or 5 people? but c'mon, 3-5 is not mass. thats like a friend-group. mass is like hundreds of people!! stop being pussies. oh she shot up the school people she thinks shooting a number of people under like 80 is nothing and has no value, no idiot thats not why im gonna maybe shoot up a school, keep fucking searching.
and now they are gonna say "Her being exposed to so much shit at a young age like 14 is the reason why she shot up a school later in life", wrong, keep fucking looking.
interested in tc before, but at 14, an older girl came into her life and introduced her to school shooters number 2: used to be kind of a neoliberal considerate rule law abiding person, not anymore number 3: it is suspected that her scorn for humanity since elementary and her obsession with someone who is obssessed with school shootings is the reason she is going to commit a school shooting later in life BINGO!!! WE HAVE A WINNER, THAT IS A VERY GOOD GUESS AS TO WHY, ILL TAKE IT. DING DING DING, WINNNERRRRRR, YES YES that is a good explanation. it is very close to what me personally ( literally the future shooter ) thinks is the reason. see, now i dont have to call you a idiot anymore for guessing something stupid. but if i do say something i know the news is going to want to interpret as a reason, im gonna call you a idiot. my bad. This site is my rant zone, my wrath zone. speaking of wrath ( klebold ) lets talk about natural selection!! ( harris ) natural selection is a theory made by a guy named darwin i think, that organisms best fit for a SPECIFIC enviorment will survive and reproduce, passing the good trait onto their children who then also breed. basically, in the end, all the ones with the bad trait die out. I think human life should be like this!! No more kemo therapy for those who get cancer, no more being against aborting autism or down syndrome babies. A piece of infromation i carry with me is that down syndrome is caused by a copy of the 21st chromosome, and that fragile X syndrome CAN cause autism but isnt the soul thing that gives someone autism. Adam lanza had aspergers syndrome back when that was a valid diagnosis ( idk why it isnt now but the term Asperger stems from the nazi name Asperger lol ) Lanza didn't like the columbiners cos they said they liked nazi's n shit. i only joined my german class because i needed a language and everyone associates the germs with hitler and nazi's. Adam Lanza also had OCD, washing his hands so fucking often they became so sore and red, he also demanded laundry to be done very often due to how much he wanted to change his clothes. He loved to play ddr, going to the local theatre and playing ddr for as much as 10 hours at a time.
He drove to sandyhook on december 14th 2012 early in the morning in his mothers 2010 honda civic i think, this was after shooting her in the head in bed four times. he then shot his way into sandy hook elementary school around 9am apparently, and killed 20 children, 6 staff, and then himself. He used a bushmaster xm-15 to kill the people, and some bitchass kid with an ugly smile saved some of his classmates by yelling " run! " when he notcied that adam lanza's bushmaster had failed to feed ( jammed ), lanza, i think once he realized his guns were jammed, decided to kill himself by shooting himself in the head with a Glock 20 sf. what kind of mm's do glock 20 sf's take? let me google the answer for once instead of just listing an answer and saying "i think" So my assumption was wrong, glock 20 short frames ( sf ) do not take 9mm's, it takes 10mm's. I really need to start using parenthesis's? brackets?? whatever these are called (())()()()()()())()())(() correctly. the abreviation is in the sentance and the term / full meaning goes into the brackets, example for my dumbass brain: Glock 20 sf ( short frame ). sorry, i just noticed I used a tool wrong for the second time on this document and wanted to correct myself. " Now you see, she commited this shooting because she clearly has OCD and feels to perfect evertyhing like how she clears up her html wording, hence why she in the end felt compelled even compulsed to shoot up a school" No NO NO!!! This is wrong, idiot. keep trying or look back to earlier when we figured out the most likley reason as to why im gonna do it!! I want this shit to be like zero day, i need to speak right to the camera, to show you that there is no reason for me doing this, that those who do not want to change cannot change. Sorry, I just recently rewatched the full thing a couple days ago and a lot of the stuff they said has been floating in my head. " clearly she commited the shooting because she was inspired by the movie Zero Day which was inspired by the idea of the basement tapes of Columbine!! " NO NO NO NO NO, stop, just stop. im gonna say it, you know im gonna say it. That is wrong you fucking idiot, keep trying or look back. I don't know if it was clear enough by how much pure thought is on this html document, but this was written in mutiple time frames, with different thoughts and emotions, not just one day.
It's a new day and i already kinda fucking hate it, now the news would say " she never woke up in a good mood, hence why she just killed a ton of people and then offed herself " NO, stop speculating, we've discussed this before. april 10th, 4 days before my stupid birthday that isnt even really gonna be seen as my birthday. I realised that through eric harris's diaries and the amount of self-documentation that lanza did, they both hated the world. and for that i agree with them. Now the news reporters are going to say my 'scorn for hummanity' ( lanza quote lol ) is the reason why I shot up a highschool, for this, they may actually be right on that one. My morals kinda started going out the window in the 4-5th grade when I was ten. I had just watched a show, that discussed heavily of moral dilehmas and the heaven & hells. I took my spare time to write a one page essay on ethics, making points that were also mentioned in the show. Have any guesses what show this was? goodluck figuring it out. Adam Lanza hated the world due to the rape that is culture, he talked about how children are forced into so much stuff that is viewed as normal. Religion, doctor appointments, etc.
I want to leave behind a legacy, the ones true crime obsseded cutting teenage girls like, not normal people. They love ted bundy and they love the columbiners. I should really write my manifesto. Oh but continuing my earlier point (my apologies for getting side tracked) Adam Lanza hated the world for its rape of that is culture, and Eric harris hated the world for its impurities. When I say impurities, i dont mean like child sex trafiicking, rape, murder, or anything like that. I mean impurities like most (E1) black people, mentally and physically retarded people, and stuff like that. Eric loved the idea of natural selection, he wanted the world to be ridded of vaccinations and support so the idiots who needed all that to survive would just die off and stop making our society impure. Eric also stated "I will sooner die than betray my own thoughts, but before I leave this worthless place, I will kill whoever I deem unfit..."
How I interpret this is that he will kill himself before those around him try to "fix him", but before he leaves he will shoot who is deemed unpure in his mind. ( Look back at E1 for reference of who I think he deems unfit ) 9:36pm: My apolgies, I did not in fact write my manifesto. I cleaned my room, filled a bag with a hammer, lighters, cutters, and kerosene. I am now going to recollect on the mr.magicion doc. Sites to be in the know about: menia html doc, mr.magicion doc. For the saftey of my friends and their reputations, mr.magicion will never be intentionally public. I cant control what the fbi does with all the stuff I did on this goolge account before I died. It's funny, by the time you read this; im gone, shot, dead. You either wish i'm alive right now, or to be in the pits of hell. I appreciate you for reading all of this, if you did. I dont really care though, only people makin' archives are really gonna read allat. You know, I have to be in the mood to fully in depth explain my movties, maybe I should just be like Lanza and write a long essay along with a 10 minute audio just talking about what my thoughts are on culture. Yeah, I should do that. I'll put the audio below this paragraph so you can listen as to why I'm doing this and if return was something I was too far beyond. ( Also I am going back and changing words to not sound too much like a masochistic sadist asshole, yes I know how ironic if this is my last 'major' before a school shooting )
ughhhhh I dont have time to write a manifesto when I have newrocks coming in the mail the day before a hauntedmound concert!!! Too excited and worried somethin's gon' go wrong to record, aint gon do it yet. The concert is on april 20th, april bloody 20th. The columbiners nbk day lol. When I be singin haunted mound reapers with sematary jumpin on stage, itt'l all be in rememberance of eric and dylans greatest last day alive. Also, disregard earlier if I said the columbiners were kmfdm and nine inch nails and that i want my rememberence to be radiohead, i change my mind, i want haunted mound lol. Not many people are online rn, and my friend is listening to sematary's bloody angel mixtape. I think it's safe to say I can log off for the night. G'night. I, well, the music? oh whatever. I checked, later, she is now listening to buckshot lol. It's the morning of april 13th, I am terribly bored. I don't plan to eat today, and tomorrow I will be at a birthday party that has unhealthy food. I am not going to eat the food that day to the best of my ability. I will have veggies tomorrow, once I come home from the birthday party. Despite tomorrow being my birthday, the party is not for me. This is a depressing weekend. I might just start writing out my manifesto instead, I don't feel like talking.
The most modern people of this world, younger generations, are fucked. A few percent work hard and have goals for their lives, the rest use their phones as distraction from the world. They use their phones when they are bored, at school, during the slightest inconveinces, during anything. It is pathetic. People are fat, and stupid. Most fat people aren't trying to loose weight and it shows. Humans don't understand that their is no real value to their time. Hence because we have created a sense of value. Nothing in the universe changes from what humans do. Nothing changes if someone gets stabbed, or raped, or an entry to college. If these lives have no real value, then nothing should mind if we take a few off the roster. I don't plan to live long, I can't live long. I don't know my purpose as previously stated. I am most likley too weak and scarred for the US Military, so what's the point. If I have always been considered one of a "wrong mind" then I might as well. Have you ever heard of Nihilism? The belief that life has no meaning. I believe in this while still participating generally positive in soceity. I take care of my close acquaintances, I converse with those in love with me, I don't bodily harm human beings, I do what I'm told for the most part. I've tried being a positive contributer, my whole life. I used to have goals for my life, passions I want to pursue. That's over though, and I'm unsure as to why. I always was critical of people though, I always judged and got annoyed at some. I never showed this however, but I get quite pissed off at people. I don't understand how un-sociallyaware most people are. Those who do not understand, deserve to have their short time cut "shorter". Put them under a gravestone. Do you want to know why most normal people do not find fat humans atractive? Why most of us are attracted to signs of maturity? Evolution brother, we have evovled to be attracted towards health and signs of good repoduction heatlh, hence why we like those who are older (If we are young) and not attracted to fat people (Unless we are ill fated with fetishs or idiocracy) Let me explain. Those who are fat have more health problems. It is just facts that the fatter you are the more unhealthy you are. Being fat causes more health problems, not only that but it also most of the time shows you have a horrible diet. We are attracted to signs of maturity because that means they are most likely fully sexually developed and ready to reproduce (From a biological standpoint). Not everyone is ridden with these modern world problems, but a lot are. It doesn't take you that long to go out into public and find a fat person, or walk into a school and find someone scrolling on their phone. All of those types of people deserve to die. Which at this point you are possibly confused as to why I want to shoot up a school. Well, most of these types of people are in my highschool so. There are also so many things in society that are normalized and demonized. Pedophilia is demonized in every situation no matter the context, and transgenderism is praised. It is considered a brave thing to comeout, people even fake being transgender for attention. Pedophilia always gets a negative light. The reason why I feel pedophilia just in general gets a bad light is due to the fact that if a child were to be in a romantic and or sexual relationship with an adult, the adult has adult problems, adult sexual reproductive organs. That IS something to note yes, but consent and communication can make anything work. Adam Lanza explains this extremley well and quite thoroughly: essay. You can also listen to his points: audios. Thank you.
Uh to just kinda summerize the manifesto; im dissapointed in our soceity for that the meaning and value that we have created to feel like we have purpose just isnt good enough in the grand scheme of things, hence why my drive to murder and use a gun is heightened because I feel as thought I have more of a reason to do so. Damn, that was like spirtitual preeching. Every once in a while, like very rarely, my intelect increases during the night. My vocabulary seems to increase despite my minor issues with spelling at times. I sound more sure of my points, and looping in logic that otherwise would not be needed. It is the night before my birthday, and today 1 confirmed he asked me out on a date in the summer.
This is the worst fucking birhday i've ever had, at least im done crying for now. I hate this. This was somehow shittier than christmas. i dont want to be in this family anymore. I hate my mom and my dad is getting on my nerves lately. I dont know how much longer I can live here. Whenever I research things like sandyhook or columbine, a sense of anxious dred comes over me at times. I can't tell if I feel bad for the fact that the people I'm infatuated with had shot themselves, or if I feel bad due to their actions while not really being bad, in society have a weight that is considered wrong, bad, a massacre, taking away innocent lives, ruining families, harming communities, destroying schools, defacing values. This is a confusing feeling. Depressing birthday today, I need a cigarette and I just want to die. Today my friend had a dahmer day. she got to go to wisconsin and visit jeffery dahmers hotel room, his grandmas house, and more. I need nightfall to come faster, I'm getting bored. It finally turned to night. I had a lovely smoke in the backyard from the pack of malbros I found on the ground yesterday that was a little damp but able to be dried under my heatlamp. Birthday smoke.
My birthday's in April, you wanna know all the cool stuff that has happened in April? April 20th 1999 the Columbine School Shooting by Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. April 16th 2007 the Virginia Tech Shooting by Seung Hui Cho. April 20th 1889 Hitlers birthday, April 30th 1945 Hitlers death day. April 15th 2013 the Boston Marathon Bombings by brothers Tamerlan Tsarnaev and Dzhohkar "Jahar" Tsarnaev, followed by their killing of an MIT officer, and shootout + pipebomb and pressure cooker bomb throwing at police. April 22nd 1992 Adam Lanza's birthday along with his brother Peter Lanza's birthday being April 10th 1988. April 9th 1981 Eric Harris's birthday. As well on April 15th, in 2021 the Indianapolis Fedex Shooting, the brony applejack loving shooter, Brandon Hole.
This site is embarrasing as shit, I'm tempted to clean it up a bit and delete some stuff. And if there is a way to go back and see what I have changed? Well that would be beyond my control. ahhaha i cencord the n word in this doc as if those columbiners ever did. When they were shooting up the school library, they saw isaiah who is black and they said something like "found a n*****!" ahahahahharharhrahrharhrh. aaaaaa my favorite person is listening to blur rn and has told me she used to also be obsessed with blur n' her mom listsned to them,aaaaaaa. why dont this melatonin and cigarette knock me out already what am i doing wrong. speaking of that, no i will not capitalize stuff that needs to be for grammatical sense, speaking of cigarettes, I SMELL LIKE THEM. UH OH. Had my last cigarette for this month tonight. cannot smoke or slice my arms cuz doctor appointment!! Getting blood drawn to see if my cholesterol is still high!!, help me.
So much cool stuff happens to me this April, I have to outlive April. 4/20 is the Sematary concert and the columbine shooting anniversery lol. 4/27 is the art con with a dear friend of mine. And earlier this month, what i've already experienced, was meeting up with my favorite person at the mall, getting kinda drunk, and just talking. That day at the mall is when my favorite person informed me that a kind soul, a dear friend, 1, has a crush on me. Since then he has asked me on a date for the summer. Maybe I should also outlive the summer so I can go on that date with him. Oh also my pair of big ass newrocks come in the mail this 19th, rigth before the concert. They better actually make it on time so I can wear them to the concert!! I also want to see my blood get drawn, maybe even to know how to do it on myself. I gotta live till the end of the summer, that's settled. Oh god also after the concert on 4/20 with my favorite person, I get to sleepover at her house. I get to see her house! These melatonins are not knocking me out.....
I'm so sorry about being so angry in the beggining of this document. I just get very mad at my mother for the way she is now that I have matured. Now that I have reached the age where I notice every flaw that my parents carry, including my father. I wanted to think my father was close to perfect. I know his flaws, but they weren't as bad as my mothers. I bet this site is an eye sore to read. I wonder what I'll do with this site if things don't work out. If my favorite person leaves me, if we can never get access to guns, if we grow too old. There is a three year age gap between us, Dylan and Eric were born in the same year. She's a 2006'er im a 9'er. What if this doens't work out? What if we don't get to shoot up North? What if we don't get to be the two girls that gunned down the exact school that tried to stop us when we were younger? What if I live a normal life outside of all of this? What if she kills herself before we can even plan this? What if she doesn't want to do the shooting with me? What if she changes? What if this is just her BPD fantasy and one day she grows out of it? What if I end up with my bestfriends, in their house, in New York. What if I end up in that household of dogs with my friends, and we live the life we planned before I met the person who would become my favorite person? What if I live past 28? What if I end up in college and I like it? What If I live a normal life? Do I actually feel this way or am I just depressed and on too many melatonins right now? Which by fact are currently taking effect in my system. I feel tired but I can still function awake. No, I won't continue on that.What if I change before I can get a gun? What if I find a pedophile who loves me enough to get a gun? What if 1 and I end up dating? What if 1 sticks around? With the current state of things, I don't nearly talk to 1 enough for us to become close. It is sad, I want to be close with him. My current plan for tonight is to take the kitchen lighter and some arosol spray in the backyard WAIT WIAT WAIT I JUST GOT A NOTIFICATION, IS IT 1???? LET ME CHECK no its not fucking him. Goddamnit. I'll take the lighter and arosol spray to try and make a flame thrower, there. Sorry, I'm sorry. I just... I had asked 1 a question well it's not really a question. It was a recomendation for him to research the 2013 Boston Marathon Bombers: Dzhokhar "Jahar" Tsarnaev and Tamerlan Tsarnaev.
I think I spelt their names right, I hope so. Such Chechen names. God, my ass really thought the US military was an option. I disqualify for so much of it. Let me list someeeee hmmmm oh maybe the keloid scars that ain't going away any time soon. Or medication needed for mental health for a full year???? hmmmm maybe that indicates I'm too weak. 1 wouldn't talk like this. Despite saying " and I'm gay as fuck ", I feel he would keep a nuetral tone. Then again he is an autistic guy. I am very much not an autistic male. I wonder if we are compatible. I never stopped to think if we are compatible. He is interested in similar things as me, and is in love with me. But what if he loses interest in me? These are the questions to be answered. I wonder if he will even ever confess that he is in love with me. Or maybe he thinks I already assume so or know due to him asking me out. This site is really messy oh god. I don't think I can make my flame thrower in the backyard tonight, it is thundering. What I can do however is update my old computer and try to get garageband while listening to Radiohead. Forget about what I corrected earlier, I DO want to be remembered for Radiohead ( I.e Dylan Klebold remembered for Nine Inch Nails & KMFDM and Eric Harris for KMFDM ). Oh my god right as I opened my communications app, I hit the next song and it was the same song as what my favorite person is listening to, oh my god. Sorry, I'm writing shit about school shooters rn, could you catch me at a later time? hahahah ohhh the things I do at 2am. Warning, if you ever see a random pause, break in paragraph or just general sentence out of nowhere: that most likely means I deleted something. I look so much like a boy at times, thank god my bro is bisexual. Jesus christ, I need that date with him to come quick. I feel like I'm loosing him, althought he might just be burn't out and unable to respond. I'm supposed to be writing right now, oh. Not on here, the Dylan 1999 doc. Jesus if you ever find that doc; it is over for me holy shit. lol. Sorry, it's been a couple days since I've written on here. Suprise suprise, tomorrow is April 20th, and I will be attending a sematary concert. I mean it's not just a sematary concert, it's also the haunted mound boys. I recently have heard what colm aka buckshot sounds like just talking. It is so different from his music. He is sweet. Speaking of sweet people, 1!!
As you can assume, I am writing this on the night of April the 19th. I have just gotten off call with 1, it was originally him, me and my favorite person, but my favorite person left since her boyfriend wanted to play something and they were going through a conflict. Anyway, it was important that she went to him. Then it was just me and 1 on call. He is a monotone speaker, more monotone than adam lanza I'd say. We discussed slightly about shooters, some stuff about a certain person who had been bothering my favorite person in the past, and also about music n' troubles. Just a casual conversation. I may have said I find him cute during the call to which he responded by saying he thinks people find him fugly. I want to say he is not ugly, I want to call him cute, but I don't want to seem weird. He doesn't call me cute or any of that weird shit but he sticks up for me when people diss me. What's with these homies dissin' my girl? My apologies, I will not be continuing that buddy holly weezer lyric. At the end of the call, since I was getting sleepy and just wanted to head off for the night, I told him I was gonna go to bed. I said goodnight to him, and he said in quite the hesitantly sweet tone: "Goodnight Reagan". Now I shall listen to radiohead and fall asleep under my jacket. I woke up so cold but today is April 20th, anniversery of the Columbine School Shooting. I go to the Haunted Mound concert with my favorite person at around 5pm. Wish me luck.
In honor of our king of Ireland
"But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there,
I do not sleep
When Ireland lives I do not die"
Thank you Buckshot for coming to Chicago, and letting me see you sing live. I will forever remember you although high, having a good time. Do well and be well, Colm.
Continuing. If Dylan was <<-VoDkA->>, could I be
I feel odd I feel odd I feel odd. ehh i'm getting over it. I gotta do better than this. My apologies. I was originally sad for buckshot today, but someone explain how stupid it was for us to be sad over an adult man living his life, going through the process of recovery, and popping pills on tour like everyone else. Hackle, buckshot and oscar went to a college lecture on kidneys and filtering. My favorite person said they are there to learn how not to over do it on drugs. Sweet.
But do not stand at my grave and cry I'm not there for when ireland lives I am not dead. I'm trying to remember what Buckshot wrote. But do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die. But do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die.
But do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep, when Ireland Lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep, When Ireland Lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep, When Ireland lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die
I should really be trying to remember stuff for the 3 tests I have tomorrow at school rather than buckshot quotes but I don't really care about my education anymore. Now this is the part where news services say my loss for will to be educated is the reason I go on to shoot up a school, but it is very much the other way around. Also, I am open to learning currently, I just don't care about the outcome. I'll finish homework yes, study for tests? Maybe not so much.
But do not stand at my Grave and I cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die
Also, a whiiile back while I was rambling about not being Eric Harris because I actualy cencored the names of my aquaintances on this document, I said something along the lines of it being posted on his aol site but not really aol. I'm pretty sure the site I was mentioning was aohell.
Bury my heart in Ireland. Prepare my grave on the mound within. Inside the Irish castles. Where the cross meets the hill, where the grass flows in the wind. Bury my heart in Ireland Alright, no more divisions for a bit. I always said I hated poetry, but I said I hated a lot of things and then either had no care for it in the end or began to like it. My haiku of Ireland: Ireland Is Pure, Ireland Holds My Dear Heart, Ireland Is True Now time for an actual Haiku of Ireland: Ireland Smogless, Clear skys All Through Window Panes, My Own Ireland Understand that my thoughts within, could be free'd, with my own world in Ireland. Ok I'm done, my apologies for getting so poetic over a European Country at 11pm. The USB that holds all of my archives, personal and archivial, is not being recognized by my computer. I may be screwed. If this truly cannot be fixed tonight, I may bring it to my father to sauder it or a repair shop. I cannot loose those files. I don't want to be dramatic nor do I believe this is the case, but if those files never return, well I fear I then really do loose any sort of purpose to live for. I find it so funny that a very controversial person that I've heard of, who always used to draw themselves as underweight, now draws themselves as slightly overweight. From what I have learned recently, this is due to them at the time of drawing themselves as underewight, living in a homeless shelter where food for them was scarce and they were starving for a lot of the time. Now that they have a stable place to live, being roomates with their best friend, and eating well, they have now started to draw themselves with a clear gut and a bit of extra skin aka slightly overweight. Times have chnaged. Have I remembered correctly? But do not stand on my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die. It's stand at my Grave, not on. But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die. I don't have much to live for right now. Tomorrow I have an art convention to go to with my friend but I'm not that excited more than I am anxious. Social interactions are becoming fearful again, but not debilitaing like in the past. This is the part where the news says my cripiling social life was the cause of me shooting up a highschool, which, I have nothing to say to that. It is neither wrong or correct. But what is for sure is the tummy ache I have from taking too much melatonin tonight. Late night milk and cigarettes, sometimes the time is perfect. I went into the backyard, bare foot, headphones on playing Ghost Mountain as I smoked my last cigarette for the month. It was so peaceful, the wind was perfect and so was the temprature. I put out my cigarette and walked towards the house, stoping near the back door to look at the trees. The sky hadn't completely faded to black yet, still reminisence of the pinkish sunset trailing in the last moments of slight light. I am calm, not well fed but fed. Thank you for tonight, I shall put my lighter back in the bag. Slavwar is the situation between Ukraine and Russia. Sandwar is the situation between Palestine and Israel. Sometimes I am just so dreadful and sad and nihilistic.
It's so odd. I think I was really happy and interseted in college when I was on prozac. I have no sense of purpose besides collecting information for my own personal use, and I feel as though Prozac might make me feel purpose again, but do I even want to feel purpose? Do I want to live past 28? Not really. Also my apologies for the random Kadoatie's from the Kadoatery, I know I said no more divisions but I thought it would be funny to put a bunch of sad crying Kadoatie's on the page right after saying I'm dreadful and nihilistic aka sad. God what if 1 sees this doc one day. What if 1 knows that when I say 1 it's him. Let's see how long I can last tonight, well, stay awake. It is almost 2am, 2- 1 minute away from it being 2am.
My ability to stay up past midnight despite taking over 40mg's of melatonin should be awarded. Also coding this site. There's a ton of stuff I learnt just to make that Randal site, some of the knowledge I've been able to use here but a lot of it is googling how to format something correctly. I sound really pathetic in some parts of this document, for that I apologize.
Sorry, this is really stupid. I probably just need sleep, AND NO MORE DIVISIONS!!! Going to bed at 3am. goodnight. I was so nervous yesterday, but the art con aka comic con aka c2e2 was super fun. I got a bunch of stickers and a pack of pokemon cards. One of the stickers, well two of them, are Simon Riley from COD. Simon Riley, aka Ghost is a character from Call Of Duty. Oh my god?? I'm looking back at photos and it seems not only did Sematary, Buckshot, Oscar18 and Hackle perform on 4/20 ( Columbine Anniversery ) But also April 4/15 ( Boston Marathon Bombing Anniversery ). Crazy coincidence. I need a calendar.
I should really format this attrocious site of mine better. Would you like to know my favorite quotes now that I have finished formating this very site? "But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die" -Buckshot aka Colm. "Look, I don't care what you say, if you ever touch him again, I will freakin kill you! I'm gonna pull out the god damn shot gun and blow your damn head off, do you understand? You little worthless piece of crap!" -Eric Harris. Now I must go see if I wrote Eric Harris's hitmen-for-hire quote correctly. Why do you cook so much for other people? I think I'm a bad person who must prove that they have redeeming qualities, no, I don't know. Should I listen to Elusin and read about Dylan & Eric? Maybe. And read about Oscar & Buckshot. Am I the opposite of an Incel? I'm not really searching for anyone to be with but throughout my life people have come to me, and even asked to do "stuff". I'm gonna get memories if I write about this but who cares. I lost my virginity
I lost weight and am no longer going to self harm. I've collected enough blood for the blood bag, I could fill a vile with it by now surely. If I ever really wanted to collect blood I'd go find a blood collectiong kit. With a syringe, tubeing, vile, etc. Like how they do it at the doctors. If I asked nicely, do you think the nurse will let me keep a vile of my blood when I get it drawn tomorrow? Well, I got two viles, empty ones yes, but now I have viles that I can put the blood from the blood bag into. The school Zoo trip today was amazing. I got to be around my boys all day, and I have a ton of photos of them now, some with me in them too. They are all so sweet to me, I am glad they hung with me today. "SEMATARY PLAYS CALL OF DUTY," I squeaked, excited. Ate well, good omads for like two days, somehow still lost weight. Doing well. I realized today on my walk home from school that I don't think I've ever heard 1 laugh. Never on call, and never the ONE time we all hung out at the mall in his home town. Speaking of hanging out, hopefully if things work out on Friday me, 1 and my favorite person can all hangout in 1's home town mall. I think it will be interesting to hangout with 1 in person again, especially now that me and haunter (favorite person) know that 1 is in love with me. I really hope everything works out tomorrow and I get to see them. Aight, official name alias update: 1 is him, haunter girl is her. Or maybe I should choose a more accurate alias for her and just call her shoota girl. I think I'll call her shoota girl. Nope, haunter girl. Jesus. I'll never self harm again!! aaaaaaahhhh bad feeling, I have a bad feeling. I really hope friday works out, I really hope it works out. I feel like crying, I'm a pathetic female. I'm retartded and tired and female, I can't do this. Oh my god, oh my god it was perfect. I was so nervous to see him since haunter girl wasn't going to be at the mall for a bit. I found him and we walked around, we walked around and talked. He was so sweet, and then we found haunter girl and we made references and jokes and it was so fun. She told me about the things 1 has confided about me to her. She has told me he wishes to hug me but is scared I will reject him. Best day ever, I just need him to respond so I can tell him about the dream I had with him and haunter girl in it. Maybe the melatonin knocked him out before he could respond or maybe what I told him flabergasted him, either way he hasn't responded but that's ok because I know he's in love with me lol. I love you 1. Hahaha his response was just "That's sweet" and then about how his last dream was him and his dad watching a sandy hook documentary. aahhhhhrhhhhohh well. I should ask him in the morning if his dreams often reminise on topics like school shootings. I did. We are both too scared and awkward to admit anything to each other, how funny. I'm currently in a bidding war for an XBOX one, if I don't win, I'm gonna beat the shit out of who does. That's a gross over statment but I will be mad if the price gets to high or I'm outbid. Price got too high for my interest, oh well. I'm just like that girl from watamote. Socially awkward pervert freshman girl with an interest in boys. Sounds close enough to me. I used to see screencaps of the show Watamote, and see the main character. She intruiged me and now I am watching it. God damn it, I asked haunter girl a retarded question then went to go make my pickle mayo and cheese sandwich like a fatass but my mom used up all the bread! Maybe she's the real fatass. Sigh, whatever, I wasn't hungry anyway...
I hope tomorrow is better, I have to cut the lawn and I think I ate too much today. I'll weigh myself later and I'll try not to eat for the rest of the day. I should go get some gum, mow the lawn, then play guitar. Or maybe I should play neopets, then guitar, and continue 'till I get bored enough that I want to mow the lawn. Then at night I can make the Tomako Kuroki html. I promise you I never really watched anime, I usually despise anime. But this one is just really good, the main character's design is relatable to me and her overall demeaner is similar to me, hence why I will be making an html on her lol. I'm almost done uploading music, I'll then go play neopets with gum in my mouth, then play guitar and mow the lawn. Night plan is set, and I should listen to a different Radiohead album soon. Or maybe I should ask 1 what his opinions on the song Harness Your Hopes by Pavement. He likes Pavement and I am mad at myself for not finding more of their music sooner. A song I like was by Pavement and I didn't even realize. You wanna know whose perfect? Oscar. Oscar is a music producer who is also great at electric guitar. He seems young, he is young. He is tall, not too muscular but nowhere near scrawny. He doesn't seem to do heavy drugs, but probably has smoked a bit. His facial structure is beautiful and his hair is not too long, not too short. His voice shows no sign of any heavy accent, and his girlfriend is quite attractive. He seems to be doing well for himself, especially since he is currently on a world wide tour. He seems to have close friends, including a childhood friend, Colm. Colm was given strong and addictive medication ever since he was a kid, and depended on it for a long time. Despite Colm going to rehab for a bit, now that he is on tour with Oscar he seems to have relasped. Meth aligations where spreading as well. Both Oscar and Colm are irish although Colm is the only one with an apparent accent. They have been friends all throughout their schooling lives and are still quite close. Colm often refers to Oscar like a brother, it is clear they enjoy each other's presence. Why didn't I start a document like this sooner, hm? I was unaware that my future presence may have meaning like a school shooter who ended his life by a self inflicted gunshot wound. What I mean is that people like looking over the online presence and general lively presence of those who have commited attrocious crimes, especially if they are young. Think of Adam Lanza, Dylan Klebold, Eric Harris, Dylann Roof, etc. I still like Ireland. I should write more poetry of Ireland, convince my parents to take me to Ireland. Maybe even one day see Colm and Oscar tour in Ireland. I am once again bidding on an XBOX one on ebay. I really hope I can secure one and Call of Duty Modern Warfare before my trip to Europe this summer. I am not looking forward to this years Euro Trip. I have to be with my mother for a lot of the time, and I am most likely going to gain weight. Not excited.
Why am I the only kid who has a periodic table in their room from middle school? Why am I the only kid who would sit on the ground at the school bus stop? Why was I the only kid who would bring baked cinnomon rolls for my classmates in high school? Why was I the only kid who would make food at home for my friends and bring it to school? Why am I the only kid who has to cover their self harm scars in gym class? There are so many things I do in my community and school that really only apply to me, but why? You'd think there would be at least one other person, by chance, but no. I'm gonna go weigh myself and see if I'm a disapointment or not. I'm not doing too bad, I just have 24 pounds to go lol, but really about 20 pounds. Amazing. This site is a mess but it's not too bad.
Ulterior Motives "Everyone knows that" -Christopher Saint Booth (1986)
Did you know this song was considered lost media
for a while until a guy recognized the 17 second
snipit playing in the background of a porno?
How great is the internet! I've been listening to it on repeat
as I add it into this site as a keepsake. Take a listen if you want.
Am I in love with 1? I've written things about him, I had a dream about him holding me, but what does this all mean? I know he's in love with me, because he asked me out on a date for the summer and then haunter girl told me he confessed to her that he is in love with me. Haunter girl also told me that he said he really wants to hug me. She told me this after 1 left the mall to go get the bus home. I've probably already mentioned this but at many times during the mall, I felt physical tempation and emotion to hug him. When his back was facing me, I could see his back bones poking through his thin sweater. He is underweight, this I know for a fact, and overall looks super thin. I long to be as thin as him and maybe even to be with him. Just to be held by him, ackaknowledged by him, loved. If I live past my shooter days, aka past the age of 28, I would probably consider converting to Catholicism. I have two things coming in the mail now: A Mother's Reckoning by Sue Klebold, and a small unoffical kit for drawing blood. Oh my god, no one likes masculine women. I need to start dressing like a girl and go by my birth name asap. I'd be uncomfortable as hell, and what if 1 falls out of love with me? He's fallen in love with me at my current state, actually at a worser state somehow, I weighed more and fashionbly was a bit blind. Holy hell, how do I balance all of this. My friends better not question my birthname showing up places all of a sudden, oh my god. Hahah a friend of mine from bio class recomended I watch the show Baby Reindeer, and now on the haunted mound reddit they are talking about it. This site is mad entertaining to look back at and read. I win, well, I won. I won the auction for the XBOX one. I win. On the bus ride home today, the driver was playing the radio and since it is throwback thursday they were playing hits from the 90's and early 2000's. The song Feel Good Inc. by Gorillaz started playing. I had a huge Gorillaz obsession from late 8th grade to first semaster of freshman year. I also got the yearbook today, which has a bunch of photos from semaster one of freshman year, lets just say there isn't a photo where I wasn't wearing my gorillaz shirt lol. Oh my god, Adam Lanza played Call Of Duty, Sematary plays Call Of Duty, now is my time.
I am going to write to Pastor Adams, I wonder what I should say to him. I should talk about going from liberal to moderate, yes. Things ain't great. Slash's mom has cancer, and not a great survival rate either. Sematary is a drug addicted egocentric asshole, and espcially an asshole to Turn and Goner. Haha I'm at my friends house as I write this. Interesting thing I wrote in quotes a while ago, wanna hear? "I don't really care what you do, I love you. Just don't make it hurt." "I commit this shooting in hopes of my mothers suicide and because of my sever loss of morality from an early age" This sentiment means she commits the shooting in hopes that her mother will become so distraught over it that she commits suicide, and that her moral values depleated from a young period in her life. This girl, hopes her mother dies from her own infliction (suicide) and see's no reason in human existence ( nihilism ) that she took lives with an automatic rifle. Who is this girl? I. A girl reading A Mother's Reckoning by Sue Klebold, with relating thoughts, I. The girl, young, is me. A Mother's Reckoning is truly emotionally touching to read, the worry and fear I feel while reading tells me something. If I feel these things while reading the account of someone, not just anyone, the mother of Dylan Klebold, would I even ever be able to bring myself to commit actions like her son? Let alone her son and son's friend? I'm unsure now. As I was playing guitar the other night, I may have had a realization. If 1 truly loves me, then he would want to live with me right? My best friends want me to live with them and take care of them when we are all older, and if 1 is truly here to stay long term ( due to his love ) then could he live with us? This may sound redundant out of context, but is 1 the one? Maybe I should remove my socialbility for a few days and focus on centering my thoughts, figuring out a life for myself without haunter girl and a shooting. Even live past 28. Psychologically understand myself, clean up this site again, and move on with my life. I started this site in the midst of my loss of purpose, ranting and adding images of the death of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris. How could I focus on 1 though if our conversations are so limited, our socialbility so confined due to our social awkwardness and his held back love due to fear of rejection. How can I truly find purpose in my life if nothing is showing me worth besides people who have done or do bad things, and losing weight? My apologies for my continued and repetative use of the word "Truly". No one is going to care for this website, this is a waste of time. You know, this is all really retarted and I don't want to do this anymore, goodnight.
I really said I wasn't gonna come back, but now it's sophmore year and I want to document my thoughts, because it's come crashing down again. You know 1? The guy I said was my number one? Fucking odd, I don't want him in my life anymore. Haunter girl? We never talk anymore. Slash? We talk so infrequently it makes me sad. Newrocks guy and Newrocker? They graduate next year and then I'll have no one to look forward to seeing at school.
The senior friends I made freshman year are better than anyone I have now. It'll be over. No Newrocks guy, No Newrocker, No Haunter girl, No Slash, no one to call my favorite person. I just hope I can reconnect with Haunter Girl a bit more, but that probably won't happen. It might just be over for me my junior year.
I miss Cleo
This is all crazy, this is all fucking stupid. I stumbled upon a video on youtube, it was the video of the song Remember as in Ember Mclain. It was the first full and in quality track uploaded to the common sides of the internet. The person who uploaded it was Andrew Blaze aka Randy Stair. Ember's design really grew on me the more I watched the video, it is also a really good song. Anyway, I watched a summary video of Danny Phantom and am now going to watch it because why not. I also need to finish watching My Little Pony and archive it. For someone my age saying they need to watch Danny Phantom and keep every episode of My Little Pony, I probably sound like a retarded creepy incel. Or Femcel I guess. I need to stop fucking eating oh my god. I go out and see people with skinner legs than me, flater stomachs than me, more style than me, prettier faces than me, longer hair than me, and I just want to starve myself. I never do anymore because I'm retarded, but I need to start eating less again. I'm back at the weight I started at which isn't that bad, it's just not good ENOUGH. I have like a bmi of 19 instead of 17 and it pisses me off. I'm just glad I don't weigh like 120 fucking pounds like before, bmi 20 or something, yuck. I need my weight to be two digits NOT THREE. 100 is bad, 99 is good, get the picture? I think I like goth girls, Haunter Girl is soo cute and perfect. She's skinny, has pretty make-up, cries to You're So Great by Blur, has amazing style, is dating an anorexic guy, is so close to 18, and loves shooters. She's not really stable but I love her so much. Mavis from hotel transylvania is also really cute, in the first one though. She starts to differ a bit with each movie but in the first one she's perfect. The second one I'll let slide, I never watched the third I don't think. They make her boyfriend too much of an idiot in the newer movies. Old cartoons where just better, Hotel Transylvania is a great movie. One time I was at mall with my friend and her mom and her mother's boyfriend, and we were waiting for our drinks WHEN I SAW SUCH A PRETTY GOTH GIRL. I started freaking out, I love goth girls. AND THEN IN THE CAR I WATCHED TWO GUYS WALK INTO THE MALL. I'm just gonna call them goth guys for simplicity even though they probably weren't goth. Oh my god I love goth girls and I love men. I don't care if Andrew Blaze jerked off in class slowly a couple of time because he was so horny, I don't care that he believed himself to be a girl trapped in a male body (I kinda like that he wishes he had a girls body) I don't care if he created his later life around death and cartoon ghost girls, I love that he was the one to end his life, I love that he took people out as he rampaged 'till his death, I love that he liked Columbine. Andrew Blaze is growing on me and I don't care how embarrasing he seems to others.
I have feelings. You know when you have an idea in your mind of something specific playing out how you want, not nessicarly a goal but just an idea playing out how you manipulate it? And you try to hard to find something online emulating that thought but you just can't find something good enough? So you write out the exact description and events in that thought? Those feelings are strong. About to write something like the document Dylan 1999. I am so fucked. And yet even though I want to find this thought, and have so much will to write it, as soon as I put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard) no ideas flow. I'll just search harder to find it, as now I am struggling to picture what was so important for me to find.
What the hell was I on about before?
Schools goin' in the suicide note, yup. Guess what? I was an idiot and wore short sleeves the other day, my math teacher reported my ass, and now I have a situation. Also the FBI's coming over on monday because of the xander baltimore situation. I just really wanna die right now and take down my school with me. I know a lot of people I'd like to take away. I don't really know what I'm talking about, I just hate how the school counslers make me cry.
and what if i started to stop caring about school shooters and haunted mound, stop stalking, stop archiving, stop posting, just draw, hm?
How can I solve all of this? Time. Experience. Sadness. Self conciousness. A gun.
I can't cut myself anymore because I was on watch by my therapist but now I am also on watch by my school. This was all because I was stupid and wore short sleeves as I've said before. Why did I cut myself on my forearm instead of the underside? Why was I so retarted to do something like that, leaving a scar in such an obvious place. I'm really fucking stupid and it shows.
Retarded ass little girl always wallowing and wanting things she could never achieve, never learning until shit really happens. If she cuts herself she's even stupider ( is that a word?? ) if she shoots up the school she is the ultimate retard!
No more divisions. This is practically a diary at this point. I guess this will by my little nook of the internet for my four years of high school. I'll let you know when I graduate and can escape out of state, living in my own car. I kinda wanna make a playlist of all the underground stuff I listen to, even if it isn't underground. I'm currently in my dads trunk, drinking redbull and observing the park from my open garage. I use to play at the park so much as a kid in elementary, kindergarten too probably. What happened? I would play with two other kids half the time, and I remember them. But all three of us have changed so much, and they are both younger than me. You wouldn't see two freshmen boys hanging with a sophmore girl. Everything has changed now that I've gotten older, and I hate it. I understand the laws around me, I understand the norms and standards, the stupidity. I just don't see the point. Maybe I'll explain, like a manifesto part two. I sliced my arm in such inconsistency that it just looks stupid. I was never clear about what I was ok with or what bothers me in friendships and even relationships and then one day I snap and it's all over, leaving me and them so sad, or them angry. Every negative thing in my life that has brought me significant sadness has been completely my fault, and it has taken so long for me to realize. My life is so stupid and I'll die without doing anything significant, I have no skill or motivation to truly do something with my life that is meaningful. I'd have a kid so my dad can have a grandkid but this world is so over populated that I just couldn't. I'd be with a great man but I am so shit with relationships because I am so passive yet snap one day. The only way I could leave behind a legacy is a school shooting, that is literally the only option for infamacy for me at this point. There's no other way. And don't say "there is always another way" shut it. My scars kinda disgust me now, I am hoping and praying that something makes them go away or at least fade to be not noticable. If I ever post this online (commit something ) before I do I'll clean up this site so much. The world cannot know how much of a retarted ass shooter fangirl I am.
I'm fucking crazy. And I'm name dropping because I don't care. I stalked Chris and Brandon until I thought they were on to me, then almost gave them a letter apologizing. I archive image after image of gore, girls, shootings, suicides, people, everything. I've stalked a good number of people I admire for whatever reason, I have such a distant perspective of the world, I plan to die. What else is there to say. Everyone I screwed up with was Mateo, Juniper, Caleb, Ayesha, Isabelle, Felix aka 1 I KNOW, Emily.., Marr, god is there anyone else?
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
New day uhhhhh who was I apologizing to? Chris, Brandon, Zach, Max, guhhh I guess Jackson can be added to that list too. Sad. This site is a fucking embarrasment. But uhhhh ALYSSA BUSTAMANTE AHHH I love her so much I am so similar to her. Well not really but we have a lot of similarities. Blonde hair, blue eyes, Prozac, IOP, drug OD type shit, wrist slitting, violence etc etc. She is so admirable and down to earth. The way she talks in her interogation is just, gahhh. Oh right, IOP. They put me in an IOP. You're probably thinking "fucking finally, my god" but no. They haven't wrist checked me once EVEN THOUGH I SAID TO THEIR FACES THAT I CUT MY WRISTS AND MY DAD TOLD THEM, love my dad, THEY STILL WON'T DO ANYTHING. Anyhowwww I'm cutting myself tonight! Can I get a whoop whoop? Nothing is going to change in my life if I don't get sent away, that's just a fact. I am so sad that my parents have to like waste their money on this IOP program but if they think it will work then, well, I guess we be going for it! Should I dye my hair black? You know, reading this document or I guess site back makes me realize in some of these paragraphs I really go off but I actually sound sure in my points. I have no idea if that made sense but all I'm saying is that I actually spew some stuff that isn't bullshit on this site. By that I don't mean not lies, I just mean like I actually say stuff that has meaning. I should still clean up this site though.
Staring at a corrupt file is so sad. You see 1/3 of the image, the rest a solid dark color of what could have been your photo, a photo of a trip or your childhood. You don't know what it is though and god knows you can't tell from the amount of pixels you're given. I never mentioned the camera incident on this doc, I will soon because honestly that was my true breaking point. I have no idea if I can come back from that. Ha, I will never forget talking about the song Ulterior Motives aka Everyone Knows that with the kids in my German class freshman year. Layla, Kye the bastard maybe, Nela maybe, mainly Layla. I slit my arm and post it to the internet and all of a sudden I'm a little kid again getting validation for being injured. My life really boils down to two things, wanting attention from injuries and not being able to say no. Maybe I'll elaborate.
I'm really sad, the people who came into my life last fall, who I thought were the best people I've ever met, are now no longer really apart of my life. It has been exactly a year, the October. Ever since last October, I've tried new things, met new people, changed politics, declinded mentally, and am now so different. And the exact people who helped me reach this point, or rather caused me to reach this point will no longer get to see anything more change. I like new bands, I cut myself, my morals are questionable, what I preech is questionable, the fact I might preech is different. I've been a bad person on a lot of occasions, more than usual. I'm less attention seeky though and I try not to lie for attention anymore. I don't care for my mother and I no longer care what really happens to me. My room's a mess and has been a mess. It may stay a mess. I think girls are pretty, even perfect. Men can be beautiful and sweet. I admire so many people in my life, all of them I will most likely never even cross paths with ever again after high school. That's what makes me sad, I'll never see these people again. I'll miss them and I'll never get to talk to them again. All I can do is wish them the best with what they want in life, and hope they think of me once in a while, if I've ever crossed their minds in the first place. These people become my whole life when they joined mine. Now I'm just left with memories as there is nothing left to talk about and we drift. Or we were never friends in the first place, and I am but a meer passersby to them. I miss the friends I used to have, even if it broke me realizing everything they've caused me, even if accidental of them. I wish I never acted out for attention or cried wolf, twice. I would have peace with them but no, I cannot handle myself and only ever learn after big mistakes. Even then, sometimes I still then go on to make the same mistake. Oh god the girl I went to my first art convention with, I'll miss her too. The girl from my math class.
It's fine everythings fine, I just stayed up too late and had too much caffine.
I wasn't wrong about everyone though. I really hate this life, everything I want to achieve I just don't think I have the ability to do so. I fail time and time again, my oppertunity cost isn't great enough for me to complete my goals, I just don't care enough about life to do anything about it. Oh my god do you want to see my cuts? No.
You think I could write in this for all four years of highschool? That is, if I make it that long. Part of me wants to live on and live on my own, having fun in life just doing whatever and living on the scraps. But another part of me feels compelled to end this meaningless life early because there is no point in having a long life. My generation is one of, if not most, the most nihilstic generation. Nothing is really looking up for us. Oh, and by end this meaningless life early, yes I do mean a school shooting.
I've always wanted to be famous, I've always had thoughts of mass destruction, why not make it come true. My generation will have to try and solve global warming, deal with wars of stupidity, have the shittest presidents, live with economic inflation, adapt and change every five seconds. There is no stability, and there is no point. If Earth blew up, exploded, kaput, kaboom, GONE: the universe would keep on going. All other planets with life forms out in the galaxies of vast space would keep on truckin'. There is no point for humans to have evolved, there is no point in all the rules and concepts we've made.
You know, Haunter girl introduced me to this guy we'll call Slas,
I feel I've mentioned before. Haunter girl and Slas would talk about deep stuff together whether it be substance abuse, sex, self harm, suffering. They would have serious conversations, but one day Haunter Girl's boyfriend made her block any guys she was close with. Haunter girl loves her boyfriend more than anything in the whole wide world, so she blocked a lot of people. Slas included. Slas thought it was a bad thing for her to do, and he was mad that she would just throw away their friendship for her boyfriend. But her boyfriend made her do it. She misses Slas a lot and the conversations they had. Still to this day. Me and Slas became close after Haunter girl blocked him. We would text for hours at times, being goofy or having serious conversations. One day though, or maybe over time, things in his life just started getting shitty again. And we drifted until we had completely stopped talking. Just an occasional "how've you been lately". His life got better eventually and nothing ended badly, but that friendship moved on. No more talking. No more texting. No more selfies. Nothing. Both me and Haunter girl get sad over remembering the conversations we've had with him. Or the times we had goofy phone calls in the group chat. We will miss you, and we can only hope we've both helped you in the end. I will always remember your voice and you calling me a 2nd Sophie, a better one.
I cry, and nothing will ever be the same. I feel a sense of dread, but I cut myself and I feel somewhat whole again for a little bit of time.
Funny I wrote that and now I never want to cut myself again. My arm looks worse than my favorite persons, I want to die. I've ruined myself. I think going down the rabbit hole of school shooters has lead me to question my morals and ethics which then led me to question the basis of human life and evolution which has left me in a state of an extremley nihilistic attitude towards life and living. I might be fucked because all I can see for myself that would satisfy my life would be commiting a shooting before I graduate high school.
We did it WE WIN, we won. we ended our friendship with the creep, the stalker, the meanie, 1. Thank you haunter girl for protecting me, backing me up, and always telling me what's going on. I couldn't appriciate your presence enough in my life, even if my life now might be going down hill. I don't have much left for me, and I know you don't either,
so I'm glad our lives colided and that we can spend some time hanging out.
Ok. Call me a nerd for this but if you're a teenage girl
who likes niche things then you should watch Neon Genesis Evangelion. It is such an interesting series ranging from mecha art to the lives of teenagers destined to save the world from the Angels. I love it a lot. My personality is as if you combined the three main children together. Just a rant.
Two cross necklaces, a radioactive sign, Cult, heart pentagram, listening to his sherm, mike sherm?, skateboarding, spider man, Mad, Hail To The Theif radiohead album pin, black Negative XP shirt, pink bow, YAH. by kendrick lamar . Only I would get these references. I always say I'm gonna clean up this site, but then I find something better to do or something I should be doing. Ignore everyone I've ever dated, ignore 1. I'll clear any mention of 1 from this site, maybe, one day.
If I said I was getting high with a guy I like on the roof top of a car park next weekend would you clap. He's someone I actually like,
he cares about me and always asks me about how my day went. His eyes are the prettiest in the world, I could swear I've said this before, on here even, maybe. He's wonderful, he's pretty, and said he wanted to get high on the car parks roof one day, so volua! Vwala! Voila!
This is why you should become friends with drug dealers! I love my friends.
We shall call him D! or Dee. I like the name Dee. The amount of times I've seen him in a Nirvana shirt, gah I even complimented him for it once. I love seeing people in band tees I know, and even better ones I like the music of. I want to watch Fantastic Mr. Fox, I want to read Evangelion, I want to play Radiohead songs on my guitar, there are so many things I want to do and things I could be doing instead of eating yet I still eat, maybe I'm just on my period. Are commas not subjective? How is there supposed to be an exact agreed upon point where a sentance ends, or mearly continues. Can I be hitler for a second? Ok that sounds really bad but hear me out for a second: Black hair brown eyes, brown hair blue eyes, anorexia nervousa. End of statement. I am so retarted, I ruined myself.
I've never really given a full, honest, in-depth run down have I. My reason as to why, my reason as to how. How I got here, why I'm stuck here, and why I can't see through the tunnel. Last year in the fall, I met this girl in my art class who we'll call haunter girl. Haunter girl was cool, she was pretty and had interesting drawings. She came to school one day with cuts all over her arms. In German, which I also had with her, I could see her legs covered in cuts too. I waved to her once in German, I remember. A few jokes and exchanges of contact later, we became friends. She asked if I minded that she liked school shooters, I said "of course not" I was chill with it. I was some how infatuated with her at that point, and I really don't know why. She was an older, pretty girl, with cuts all over her, in my life. I began investing myself in school shooters along with cutting myself so I could feel equal to her. She felt like a favorite person to me and still does. My life had quite a few severe bumps during that time period also however. Social drama and fresh wounds don't mix well, then later in that school year, two police investigations. With my closeness and love towards my mother completely severed and forever damaged, with the understanding that I fucked up big time, with having to deal with the police, I hit a breaking point. In this breaking point, what was the one thing I valued? Her. Not getting mother mad. And school shooters. I felt I had nothing left to live for, I was so angry at my mother for how she reacted, I was angry at everyone for taking me so seriously and leaving me with two police intvestigations. I wanted to shoot up my high school. A summer passes and somehow in that summer an FBI investigation happens. I will never forget that summer. New school year starts up and by the time Thanksgiving break rolls around, I've already made so many blunders, fuck ups, trips, and mistakes that I don't want to live anymore. My friendship with Haunter girl was is still going ok, but I want to die, I want to shoot up my high school again. The reason why I cannot get out of this slump is not only do I fucking hate the idea of having to depend on medication, but also as following in the footsteps of my generation; I am extremely nihilistic. There is no point to human life or the reason as to why we evolve. If the earth blew up, the universe would continue, all other life forms out in their own respective galaxies would continue on, no one and nothing effected. We don't matter, and everything we do it pointless besides the points and meanings we've assinged it too. I am not objectively wrong. I see no point in living, I am burdened with everything I know now and have been through, and I like school shooters. This is my "why".
Ha, my hands smell like her perfume
This life is not one worth living. I contribute to over population. I contribute to the mass of unnecessary problems. The world, from a humane point of view, would have been better without me. I caused suffering to two gifted youth, I intentionally caused emotional harm and suffering to someone who loved me, I decieved eight and most likely left almost all in pain or heartbroken.
I'll loose weight! I'll dress pretty! I'LL SHOOT MYSELF. This is a life of stupidity, mistakes, and suffering. There is no way I'm making it past 20 let alone 18. There's just no way when you've reached this kind of point. It would be so cool to do so many things sure, but that's like saying it would be so awesome to eat mcdonalds. Sure you can have that fun experience but you don't need it.
Moving on, a past classmate of mine has shown interest in exploring abandoned places and found a beaaautifulllll spot in Gary Indiana. Just though I'd mention since unbranxing looks fun. I have moments like this, not really of peace but I guess calmness. Even if my point of return, too far beyond it, is the only true thing.
"I will end up sad and alone And the only person to blame will be me I love you and I'm sorry for everything" -William James McCay. My life in a nuttshell actually, whatever that means. I will end up feeling sad and I will be alone, I never pushed for my needs or boundaries so only I will be to blame, I love those closest to me who care for me and I'm sorry for evrything I did to ever harm them or what I am going to do that I know will bring them immense feelings of sadness.
I stalked two people, I stalked them, really like four people. Do I not deserve to die? I would wait around for them, go where I knew they'd be, find their cars, take photos of them. I am a horrible person, and I will never disrespect them like that again. Alright now my apathy has affected my grades, great. Straight decline, I'm lucky if I even pass algebra 2 this year. It's a new day and I am stupid confident about the test I took this Friday. Maybe I might be able to term things around. You know, I think I completely missed mentioning Halloween this year in this html doc. uhhhh happy late halloween
I really like the number three, I liked it too much as a kid though. When I was a little girl, I was riddled with obsessive compulsive disorder and other fear. Turning in papers for class? I had to be the third kid to do it. Writing homework assingments and then joining the class on the rug? I had to be the third kid on the rug. Steping on cracks? I had to step on three. Checking the door handles? I had to check three times. Turning on the light to make sure an intruder isn't hiding in my home? I had to turn the light on and off three times. You get the picture. Just thought I'd mention.
I wish I didn't fuck everything up, well everything I could have had. My obsession with keeping information and archiving just had to mix with an obessesion over people. I screw myself over every single time and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of how sad it makes it, I'm sick of how many relationships it's ruined. When is it going to stop. I'm fucking tired of my mistakes. Just shoot me now so I don't make more. I want to apologize to him, and I don't know if I ever can. I hate my life I hate my life I know what I need to do to fix it yet I just don't care enough to do so. It's a new day and apparently haunter girl has the exact same mindset as me; we have all created our own values to persue in life but there is truly no meaning to stick around or for us to live. If things go well, she says she will live. If things go badly, then I only have about one year left with her. I don't know how to feel because I can relate so much.
A man who shows me nothing but love and kindness makes me want to die. This is why I like it when girls like me better, then it's not some awkward friendship-situationship thing GUHHHHHH. I would be a bad person if I made an excuss to not hangout with him, that would be very bad. Honesty is important GAHHHH. It's a new day, I don't want him in my life
I WILL IN FACT BE SAVING ENOUGH MONEY TO PARTAKE IN NEOPETS STOCKING STUFFTACULAR THIS YEAR. I AM VERY EXCITED THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO REALLY. Wanna know how it works?
Stocking Stufftacular FAQ
1) What is the Stocking Stufftacular?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Stocking Stufftacular is an NC Mall event available during the month of December. Visit the NC Mall to purchase Stocking Packs. Take your stockings to the Stocking Stufftacular page to hang them on the days of your choice, and then wait for your stockings to be stuffed with exclusive NC item prizes! Stockings must be hung by 11:59 p.m. NST each day, beginning December 7th. Stockings will be filled at 5:00 a.m. NST the next morning, starting on December 8th.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
2) How long will this event run?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
You can purchase Stocking Packs during the pre-sale, December 2nd - December 7th. Starting December 7th, make sure your stockings are hung to begin receiving your exclusive NC item prizes. The event will run from December 3rd-December 31st, and prizes will be given out December 8th - January 1st.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
3) How do I purchase Stocking Packs?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Visit the NC Mall to purchase stockings in packs of 1, 5, 10, and 25.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
4) Can I purchase Stocking Packs and participate in the Stocking Stufftacular on my side accounts?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Yes. Since this is an NC Mall-only event, you can participate on your side accounts.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
5) I've purchased stockings, but I can't hang them.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Make sure that you have activated the Stocking Packs in your inventory. Once you have activated your Stocking Pack, visit the Stocking Stufftacular page. Click on the space below the hook where you would like to hang your stocking and verify your selection. Remember, once your stocking is hung, it cannot be moved!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
6) Can I hang more than one stocking per day?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Yes! You can hang up to five stockings on each day of the event. Just click on the stocking space to keep hanging. The pop-up you receive while hanging stockings will let you know how many stockings you have hung on that day. Having multiple stockings hung on one day will give you multiples (up to five) of the item for that day. You will not get different items for hanging multiple stockings on a single day.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
7) Can I hang stockings on days that have passed?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
No. Stockings can only be hung until 11:59 p.m. NST each day. Once a day has passed, you will not be able to receive a prize for that day.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
8) Can I move my stocking to a different day once I've hung it?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
No. Once a stocking has been hung on a specific day, it cannot be moved.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
9) How do I know that my stocking was hung on the correct day?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Once you have verified the day that you would like to hang your stocking, a red stocking will appear. After the day has passed and an item prize is granted, the empty stocking will change to a filled red stocking!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
10) I've hung my stockings but haven't received any prizes. What's going on?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
You will receive your exclusive NC item prize the morning after the day you hang your stocking. You can hang your stockings in advance of the day each prize will be given out, but you won't actually receive your prizes until the morning after the specific day on which you've hung your stocking.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
11) There is a number on my stocking. What does it mean?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The number on a stocking represents how many stockings you have hung on that particular day. You can hang a maximum of five stockings each day, if you choose.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
12) There is a yellow glow around one of my stockings. What does that mean?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The yellow glow indicates which day it is in the event. The stocking with the yellow glow around it will be filled the next morning, if you have a stocking hung for that day.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
13) What is the Stuff a Stocking Community Challenge?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Stuff a Stocking Community Challenge is a challenge to hang stockings. The meter will rise as more stockings are hung. Hang at least one stocking starting on December 2nd. If by the end of the event - December 31st, the max goal is reached, anyone who has hung at least one stocking will receive a bonus NC item prize!
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
14) How do I participate in the Stuff a Stocking Community Challenge?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In order to participate, just hang a stocking starting December 2nd. If collectively, the goal of "Full of Cheer" is reached, you will receive an NC bonus item prize for participating. Everyone who participates will receive the same bonus NC item.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
15) When will we receive our Stuff a Stocking Community Challenge bonus item?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
If enough stockings are hung by December 31st and the goal is met, and you've hung at least 1 stocking, you will receive your bonus NC item on January 4, 2021.
What is neopets? What does this all even mean? NEOPETS a virtual pet game with a heavy emphasis on internet nostalgia (not intentional ) and emphasis on customization! ( very intentional). It's a lovely internet website / game that was made in 1998! You get to create or adopt these funky pokemon looking creatures and care for them, even zap them with lab rays so they become multi-colored and stronger! Then you can fight things or other people in a battle-dome! It is quite fun and is very worht getting into, despite the horrific new log-in / sign-up method. I joined before this system was in place so I'm alright, but new users; not so much. It really isn't that bad, it's just new. The only reason why this seems so great to me and also why I am not apathetic right now is the fact that I have had a can of beer. Alcohol can keep me from killing myself, and others. No it won't, my life isn't going to last long, there is no point in contributing in this society or any other. There is no point, and I hate him and I want to die. I really hate life again. I love making decisions with money when I'm drunk. New day, and December will be ok this year. December and April will be the only good months of this year for me.
Next year I think I might participate in stocking stufftacular again because this year, my first year doing it, I have missed some details and did some things early enough that maximizing benefits is not an option. It's still tons of fun! There's just more that I could have been doing. My first ever Neopet was born on December 7th, it is currently the fourth! This year around April I think, I listed all the events that have happened in April, but did you know a lot collude in December too? I'm gonna list some dates and thennnnn add names and details once I'm not on my school computer... DECEMBER 7th 2017, December 5th 2007, December 14th 2012, December 1st 2010 into April 5th 2011. Isn't that cool. April this year was pretty great for me. Haunted mound concert with Haunter girl on the 20th, hanging out at the mall with Haunter girl on the 9th I think, I can't really remember what else happened BUT I remember that month being great. And now, despite losing it again yesterday, I think December is going to be good as well. I'm gonna sound really fat when I say this but I require a chicken sandwich for lunch today. I have had my chicken sandwich and a visit from lets say Kilometer and her awesome older brother lets call Tims as in like the boots.
It has officially been like a full year since I started getting into Sematary so I could go to his concert with Haunter girl. Full year since I first listened to Butcher House. Cold winter, big puffy jacket, converses, baggy jeans from hot topic, cutting myself, art class. Such a nostalgic winter for me. Not to mention getting into school shooters and getting reallyyyy into them. Skipping lunch every day because I didn't want to eat, sometimes going a full one or two or three or even four days without eating because I didn't want to. Avoiding the lunchroom and taking shelter in the library so I could listen to Sematary, collect info on school shooters, take off my coat for once, and play neopets. Sweet times that I took for granted until now. Speaking of around that time, the day I biked out of town to Haunter Girl's aunts house to walk around in the cemetery was the bestest day ever, it will never get better than that day. I'm dead serious, from drinking a fireball we found in the supply closet to exploring every door and room in that mausoleum, it will never get better than that. Theres a chance haunter girl agrees too.
There is nothing about me that is special. I spent a childhood chasing attention and being differet, weird, goofy. I never took up something real with my life now. Art cannot be considered a passion I blossemed in because not only am I not great at it even years later, but it is not something I have anything to show for. It is simply a hobby. Nothing potent. I watch as people I've made great mistakes with perform on stage like it's nothing and show everyone in the crowd, students, teachers, parents, that they are good at something, that they have something special they can do, something beauitful they can contribute to. Everyone around me has something wonderful they contribute to. Whether it be a group of friends they do stuff with, a band they play in, a club they're apart of, an orchestra they play in, an individual accomplishment only been able to have been achieved with the guidence of others and the commitment of starting early and never stopping. I never started something early, I was never pushed to choose something to become my passion. And now I watch my enemies live happy lives, accomplishing great things, while I cry in the audience over the fact I have nothing to contribute to society and should die. There is nothing I do that is worth the space I take up in this over-populated society of people who believe we have meaning in life. I need to die. No one should come with me, I love them all too much to let them. They all have found purpose in this society, and most have been kind to me. They do not deserve death. December will no longer be a fun month.
Fuck this life
I've lost it completely
It does not matter how good ones life is if one does not feel they are worthy of life or this world.
Once again, if I am someone who does not believe in what humans have made, then I should not be alive, taking up space on this over populated earth, filled with people who have dreams to change the world and do something with their lives.
I've given enough signs, I've been reported enough and gone through enough medical care whether it be therapy, medications, an IOP, school phycologists from a young age, more therapy. This should be no surprise. I may kill myself, and I may kill my parents so they don't have to see me.
I love my dad, I love my friends, I love everyone who's shown me kindness and humour and was never gross to me, I loved everything I got to do in this life. I suffered in this life, from a young age, and all of it has to do with my brain, but soon I'll stop ruining peoples reputations, sharing my opinions, and take up space. It will all be over soon.
I went to Ireland, I saw my favorite artists live with my favorite person, I drank a ton of Monster, I drank, I played guitar, I played keyboard, I kept stuffed animals of flippin my little pony characters, I adored Mia Goth, I drew and drew a lot, I took an art class, I was saved by my friends, I loved Halloween, I grew plants for years, I was obsessed with bands, I ate treats in the trunk with my dad, I learned what the Ghost Train of England was, I went to Iceland, I saw Camden town, explored London on my own for like four hours, and yet I do not want to be here.
It's been a while, you wouldn't know though. I want to die. My childhood is gone, it has left. The one and only thing that had ever made me pationate to live my life is gone. It has been gone, for a while, but it still hits.
I spent December 14th in Chicagos biggest cemetery with haunter girl, and we almost got locked in the mosauleum. She's gotten so much skinnier because her boyfriend was looking at anorexic girls and it made her sad. GOD WHAT IF I JUST CUT MYSELF INSTEAD OF EAT. I actually hate this life. Stress of finals, stress of life, stress of social life, stress of suicide, stress of past behavoirs, stress of past decisions, stress of people; what if I just cut myself. What if I just stopped all the shaking from being cold, all the care, and just lived. Ok well now I don't know. I don't know if I should cut myself, I want to wear short sleeves again and I just, god. Fuck all of this
New shooter. Monday December 16th 2024, Madison Wisconsin, Abundant Life Christian school shooting. One student and one teacher dead, shooter then shot herself. She goes by Samantha Rupnow and was interested in Pekka Auvinen. I already love her. Even if she didn't kill many, it's the fact she wanted to die, not make a mass killing. So interesting. Her manifesto is also very calm and put together, at least from what I've read so far. I admire her, even if she's younger. Well only by a few months.
Suicide post-poned, it's time to start finally enjoying my own fucking life. No, the most notable thing I can do is kill myself before graduation. I need the alienation to end. You should watch the film Beautiful Boy.
The Hum. Do you know what the hum was? Have you heard of this? The hum, the buzz, the noise that people swear they heard at sandyhook leading up to the shooting? Oh well.
1 texted haunter girl. life couldn't be worse.
"when her other friends try calling her THEIR best friend like please" you're right I'm sorry. I'm sorry I always get everything wrong, I'm sorry I always mess things up for others, I'm sorry I can't get over things, I'm sorry I have unhealthy attachments. But you're right. I'm sorry my actions always ruin everything, I'm sorry I can never keep a new relation. You're right, she isn't my best friend. She will never be. I don't even know if I was the one there for her when you were gone. Maybe someone else was there. I mean nothing, I am nothing. I've done barely anything for her, it will never be as good as it used to be. Take care of her, be her best friend, keep being friends. Forget me, resent me. You're better than me, she's happier with you. I'm just sad to be around, I'm not interesting. I'm loosing it and she is too but at least she has someone she loves and someone to call her best friend. I'm sorry I ever got in the way, I'm sorry for how I acted to everyone. I'm sorry, I don't deserve her and we both know it. Sorry. I should just leave and see if she ever texts. I'm too much of a kid, we don't suffer together or get drunk together, me and her. Things will never be the same. You and her have a stronger bond, she'd only need me if you left again, but she has other people her age who care about her. I'm leaving.
don't panic or take this that seriously I promise you i'm just being retarded
I've kinda realized after everything that's happened this year that I should just go away. The instability in my mind after everything is just like woah. I have loved every moment I've had spent with you and even all the bad things at least we were going through it together. I haven't felt the same since spring though after I had my fare share of police investigations. So many things changed and I guess it took affect on me too. Every new-ish friendhsip I've ever had never lasted, it's always boiled back to me and my two little freaks who depend on me somewhat. I love em to death and I know you have friends you love to death too. I'm glad you have Gia I know you and hers' friendship goes further way back than ours and a lot deeper. She was right about something too. You and her are bestfriends not us. I've always admired you a lot, I love you dude, you are just literally so awesome and kind. I swear you're like a favorite person to me. I'm forever grateful you were in my life I'll always be here in someway if you need me. But after all the things like the felix situation or the chris situation even completely loosing silas I've just kinda reached an end. I really wanted to stick around but I feel like things just aren't the same anymore and you have people you're closer with anyway. It doesn't feel real being friends with you. I mean that in a good way like you've been into tc for a long time you're super pretty your art's really cool you've always been kind to me. You just seem better, greater, and that I don't deserve a friendship with you. I just cannot perceive that you'd ever miss me. There's just something in my head telling me that. That it'd be better for me to go, and just stay a memory of fun times before everything got bad. Idk. What do you think
I'm so split on the decision to leave, everytime I think about leaving something begs me to stay, shows me why I should stay. Or when I'm thinking of staying it gets bleak again. I don't want to run away anymore, I want to fix my problems without leaving people.
Oh my god, this is a blog.. with dates missing.. except for years I guess. I was listening to an artist Silas liked in the past when we still talked. I played their four only songs over and over again for hours because I love their songs and I miss him. Two days later I find out the artist deleted all their music, leaving me with the one song I was able to save in time. Argueably the one that means the most to me yes, but the fact that everything else is gone now and probably for good is just breaking me once again like how eveyrthing else has. I can't cut myself to cope like I usually do because I have to swim for high school for the next two weeks. Everytime something good happens, something worse takes it away. I could have just saved the songs as soon as I started listening to them, but no, I didn't. I don't want this to be some kind of mistake I learn from, I don't want to constantly be in fear of the things I love being taken away from me. But now I will never hear those songs again, and I will never be able to talk to Silas ever again. What else do you want to take from me. I miss you so much Silas you don't understand.I miss a lot of people even if the connection I had with them was small or nonexistant. I get attached to people severly and become so fond of them just because of how they are. Another person I admired in my life who I will forever miss was someone named Jackson. I met Jackson at a mental health facility I was put in. It wasn't until a few days after I joined that I saw him walk in. As soon as he walked in, an attachment was formed. I feel really bad if I spooked, I was just so fond of him immediatly. We never talked, I just once gave him my best shot at advice when I walked into group --group is when we all sit on the floor or in chairs in a circle and talk about things that are causing us harm or sadness, and then we use the power of a group to try and find solutions or damage control-- after meeting with the psychiatrist or therapist and I walked into him discussing how he had "urges" to use again. In this place, we couldn't really say drug names or the word alcohol or relaspe or cutting, so we had to use safer words. He apprently struggled with illegal substance use, and was getting the urge to do them again. Walking into the middle of this conversation and sitting down quietly was really interesting. Jackson was a socially anxious person from what I learned from all the mental health excercises we did, I took him as quiet, timid. It was just interesting to hear him then say that a guy owes him like what 300? 500? dollars in drug money. No clue that he'd be the type to deal. I once got really sad that our room of people had too many of us to just be one big squad for group like usual and we had to split, and I was not placed in Jackson's group. I was in one room, and he was in the room next door. That was a depressing group for me. What was even more depressing is that the one day I had to miss this facility and its programs, was Jackson's last day there. He either finished his treatment plan or was leaving. It was really sad leaving the day before knowing this would be the last time I'd ever seen him because the next day would be his last, and I wouldn't be there. As we all left the facility in the evening, I walked to my dads car, I made eye contact with Jackson as he sat in his car, he stared back. It was all over after that. At this facility before I left --might I mention this is the exact same facility Haunter Girl was once put in at some point before me-- but in the program before I left, I remember this really sweet girl who liked Radiohead and a lot of other alternative music. I just remember her being kind to me. I always remember the kind ones who were kind 'till the end. There's one more person I'm going to miss, his name is Max R. I have a math class with him and for a while we had seats next to each other. We sat at the same two-person table basically. It was because he sat diagonally behind me at the second seating change of the year, but the kid who was put with me was goofing off so Max and the goof ball were switched by the teacher to prevent distractions. Max is very quiet and easy going, but he would never turn and talk to me, neither would I to him so. He was always so effeicent with his work, he'd be going through every problem as if they were all just so easy, often just straight up finishing whatever was handed to him instead of having left over problems for homework. He's a person I became attached to, not so much as immediate as first sight like how it was for me with Jackson, but over time sitting next to him, I slowly really admired his drawings on the top or bottom of his papers, I also admired his outfits and just general chillness. It wasn't until us loners all came together for a group project where it had to be a group. That was when he turned to me for the first time to ask a question about what we should include in our slideshow. Things were a lot more chill after that, I felt less like a stalker and more of a classmate to him. Of course the project was our final exam for that semester, which also meant that after the break in between semesters, there would probably be a seating chart change. I was right, first day back and we get to choose our seats. I stayed sitting where I usually would and watched as he walked to the back, a classmate of mine who I know by name and could even call and aquiantence looked over and I decied it was time to move on. Max ended up sitting by himself in the back corner near to where I once sat with the first seating chart. I stayed where I was which was also where he was in the first seating chart. So now it's kinda like we switched places from the beginning. I glance back often to see him still going through his work sheets like they're nothing. The day we no longer have any class together, is the day I'll probably truly start to miss him. I've been able to move from some people though surpisingly. There was a guy named Chris and a guy named Brandon. I was really more obsessed with them than attached. It was really bad and I know they hate me. I know. I get scared seeing that I'll have to pass them in the hallways sometimes because I don't want them to have to see me. I'm kinda glad they graduate this year, I won't be a bother to them anymore and I won't have to worry too much about past mistakes again. Or at least not as many mistakes. I once saw Max and his brother Zach at my orthodontists office. That was a pretty interesting coincidence. Zach has the most admirable music taste I have ever laid my eyes on. But the average person would not call it that. Which is why it's special to me. Max and Zach's friend Jay is a person I see a lot in the halls. I know my aquiantences know him. He's a pretty cool dude with awesome style and pretty good music taste. He's just someone I get excited to see. I've talked to Zach over text about music on a few occasions. And I talked to Jay over text once just to say I thought they were pretty cool, they were pretty happy to hear. Or maybe it was them who texted saying I was chill? I'd have to check, either way we exchanged compliments for sure. I often see Jay walk around with this guy I only know as "skater guy". I just know he skates by the clothes he wears. That guy's also pretty cool I'd say. Who else is there. Aw Salman. Salman's a guy I met my freshman year of high school. He was really funny and always kind to me. He still is when we gmail each other back 'n forth about Radiohead. He reallllllyyyy likes Radiohead. Has %100 heard more Radiohead songs than me at this point, probably knows more than me too. I admire him for his kindness towards me, even the friendship we have? I don't think you could call it a friendship. Him and his girlfriend Mia are the cutest thing ever though. I remember after me, Salman, his friend George and our classmate Dylan all went on the class zoo trip, I found a friend of mine at the time talking to Mia? I actually don't know how I ended up talking to her afterwards but I remember she knew my name. Before I really knew her. How? No idea. Salman says Mia is awesome. Another cute couple is Naomi and Nate. Naomi and Mia look like they're best friends so that's fun. Nate has a braclet on his wrist that says "Naomi", then with like black and green beads surrounded her name. I'd assume she has his name. I just think that's really sweet. You know, my life will never get better than my freshman year of high school. It was a rough start phase wise ( I didn't know it at the time), but I made so many friends and had such swag eventually and got to talk to amazing people throughout the year. I met Haunter Girl, I even had an art class with her until she got kicked out of my high school. I got to hangout with her at the mall, go to starbucks, walk around and talk, meet her sister?, trade hardrives with her, and just in general hangout with her before anything too bad would happen to both of us. I have so many memories with her that are the best moments of my life. It does not get better than those times I've shared with her. Whether it be biking all the way out to her town where she moved so we could walk around the cemetary which eventually led us to finding a cinnamon fireball in the supply closet of the mausoleum after exploring and climbing in places we shouldn't have. Awesome day. Best day ever. Or watching her draw her nametag for her art drawer in our art class. Or waving to her in the German class we also had together. Or that time she said she found me on the evening bus to go home and tried banging on the window to get my attention which didn't work. Or that time we were getting a lecture on the Chicago Art institutes programs I think, and I was sat next to her as she struggled and texted her soon to be ex-boyfriend. Or that time she said I came up behind her in art class as she was on like watchpeopledie.tv or something. or that time we went to a Halloween horror house called Scream Scene with a few each of our friends and we ended up holding hands the whole way through and screaming because GOD I THINK IT WAS SCARYYYYY. And then we went to Mcdonalds afterwards, all of us. Which also meant my friend at the time, Sophie's friend Ren I think that was her name, Sophie's sister and mom. "Can you pass the nyapkins". And then when everyone was being driven home Sophie asked her mom if me and her could have a sleepover since we were the last ones left in the car, but her mom said no, so we held onto each other for dear life as if we were gonna die because of her decision. Or that time Sophie's dad picked us up from a mall way out of town and we listened to Haunted Mound like the whole way back to Chicago and they dropped me off at my house which was so kind. Or that time I biked to the mall to meet Sophie and give her a hardrive with the files she gave? let me have? accidently gave? accidently gave to me that one day at the mall near the high school when we traded hardrives. I was giving it to her because she lost everything on her own drive from getting drunk one night and accidently snapping it off while it was still inside the computer. And after I gave her the drive to keep as her new USB, we went to the bathroom, popped open a bottle of champainge? Wine? and I had we traded sips before she chugged the rest and then we just walked around the mall and eventually got Redbull and Monster from the little mini mart inside the mall. I remember she got a "who ate all the pussy" shirt from the Spencers. Love that mall. I remember when I got inside the mall that day and found her, her first words were that I looked like Eric Harris with my hair cut and flannel. There was also that time it was April 13th, at night and I was bored and online and Sophie was also bored so we just ended up calling until around 3am. I have no idea what we talked about for so many hours that we reached the next day, my literal birthday, but I do remember we decided Haunted Mound songs for me, her, her boyfriend and someone we knew. That and finding a pack of cigerretes on April 13th was about as fun as it got for my Birthday that year. My point is, nothing is as good as it used to be when I was a freshman. Everything I listed are some of my most treasured memories, and they all only happened my freshman year. My point proven. Even Haunter Girl aka Sophie knows nothing feels the same anymore, but I am very sure she didn't intend that at what I'm intended. Anyway, I miss Silas, I'll miss all the songs that reminded me of him, I miss Jackson, I'll probably miss Max, I'm really sorry to Chris and Brandon, Zach is pretty cool, so is Jay and that skater boy, and I'll forever be grateful for Sophie and the best year of my life she gave me, and for also just being someone I can call, my friend. Ok, bye bye for now I have homework to do, but then maybe I'll talk about Corby.
so that is the longest paragraph written on this site ermmm idk i was feeling emotional and people mean too much to me. they are my whole world. i am nothing without them.
Sunday janurary 12th 2025, I miss when I knew catcell. 4chan artstyle and all, I miss them.
My life isn't ok and it never had to be ok. I've met someone who isn't ok and he doesn't have to be ok. I don't handle things ok and I don't have too. But everything is ok because nothings happened? I'm ok.
I love One Wheat Mark, Everyman Hybrid, Popee The Performer, Darkharvest00, Evangelion, Lain, Pusheen, Ongezellig,
I will never see what songs you're listening to again, I will never help you with advice on your girlfriend again, I'll never help you through your girl having a possible pregnancy scare again, I will never get to talk to you about our favorite songs again, I will never get to ask you what the things you've writen mean again, I will never get to be your sophie 2.0 again, I will never get to ask how things are going again, I will never get to see your outfits ever again, I will never get to see you sad or happy again, I will never be able to listen to some songs you like because that's all gone too, just like you. I will never get to be on call with you again, I will never be able to get to know you better. You're gone, you've been gone, and now eveyrthing I can recall is just memories, as if it never happened even. All I have left is to sit here, listening to songs you like, bands you've recomended, wondering what the meaning of what you wrote is. All of us will never get to just be friends again, no more group chats or mutual friends. She pushed you away because of her boyfriend, I got closer with you. But now things will never be the same and you're gone forever. No more talking forever, nothing forever. I miss you, I'll miss you forever. I watched you fall like dominoes in pretty patterns, but then you rebuilt your rows of pieces, and now you're gone and can't watch me fall instead. Goodbye forever, we didn't get a proper goodbye though, it just ended one day, after distance was created. I miss you Silas. I will continue to miss you. I'm sorry.I met you when I was 14, you left when I was 15, im almost 16 now. If you were still here I'd tell you about what happened to that song you liked, id give you the mp3 if you still wanted to listen to it. id show you who the original artist is and id tell you the details if you wanted. if you were still here i could ask you about your favorite resturant, or if youve tagged any new places, or if you finally landed that trick on your skateboard. I'd also tell you I got in contact with that artist, id ask if you even care though. I'd tell you he got banned and all his stuff taken down.
im sorry i made a mistake again im sorry i cant just flow like everyone else. Im sorry i didnt know better? im sorry im fucking retarded. why does it have to be my fault
of course of course of course when everything is going so well, as well as it can get at this point, my mom just has to go and ruin everything. forget what i highlighted as stupid or retarded or anger, i was right. I hate my fucking my mom she ruins everything and shes in the suicide note. im blamming her because shes the reason actually. i would have been fine a year ago in april if she didnt react the way she did. life would be so amazing if she was the one who killed herself. i always hated the way she would treat my dad and i now i fucking hate how she treats me. it would be so amazing if she could leave. just go away. no one wants you here.
wanna know some good movies?
I just took my blood practically perfectly. I have the medical blood bag that looks like one of those big blood donation collection bags. I tied my bandana around my bicep and made it more than snug. I felt where my forearm meets the seam of my inner elbow, and proded with my fingers for a solid two minutes to truly locate an obvious vein. I finally stick the needle in and blood starts flowing IMMEDIATLY!! AND IT DOESN'T STOP FLOWING! I had to stop the flow myself because I felt like I was about to vomit and pass out! The blood bag is heavy now and I have to sit with my legs in the air, hand on the needle site, just so I don't pass out. Last time I took my blood, I had to take out and insert the needle about five times. It would stop flowing after a little bit of time, so I'd have to adjust it and wiggle it or push it deeper or pull it back out a bit. I only collected about 1/5 of the bag, and I did not feel like I was going to pass out at anytime. I was unprepared when I took the needle out since it had stop flowing for the final time, and blood started spilling out from my vein. I let it drip onto the floor for what felt like ages. It really wasn't that succesful, but now on my 2nd attempt, I have blood flowing as soon as I put the needle in for the first time, and it is flowing kinda quickly. In under 17 minutes (I think) I have filled 3/5 of the bag and must stop so I do not pass out and risk spilling my blood all over my bed or the bag falling over and spilling back out the needle. This bag was warm for a little while after finishing collecting my blood. It was so warm.