i dont know what im doing with my life
here is another columbine photo, sorry its so fucking huge, please read all my stuff on a computer for your sake and the sake of my grave, PLEASE. Listen to this list and guess what i mean: Sematary, buckshot, oscar18, dylan klebold, eric harris, adam lanza, 1, 2, 3, 4, understand? no? ofcourse you dont fucking understand, please dont search these peolpe out, oneday, a few of them might even be my victims, idk whether i should spare them or not. if i kill myself early, who will there be for 1 to be in love with? I should really replace these names with numbers later, i hope internet archive cant show you previous versions!! this isnt fag behavoir, im not a guy and ive made that clear earlier. i forgot to add turnabout to that list. the famous music boys' names can stay cos i dont go to school with them, aight im now replacing the names with numbers. they better thank me if they outlive my wrath ( the ones that are now called numbers in this html site that is ) I attract autistic white males it seems, 1, 4, 5, possibly 2. remember, for annonimity, since im not fucking eric harris despite me and my friend having the same morris brigs, marris, what, what is it called? meyers brigs personality thing, yes, continueing ( this is unfiltered ) im not eric harris despite having the same mbti myers brigs testing score of him. that is intj, yes. eric harris posted his threats about brooks brown i think to his public aol account but i dont think it was atcually aol. I need ciggeretses i need cigs, i need fags, i need cigerettes.
Modern day teenagers piss me off, you wanna know what pisses me off? heh
people who just fill their days with meaningless distraction to get through it. they dont watch educational or informational videos, they dont plan their future, they dont document their thoughts, they dont drink or smoke, they dont ride their bikes, they dont have after school clubs. they are nothings who deserve to die. i can immediatly think of a girl who kinda fits this sub. tucutes usually do nothing with their lives except do shit with gender to get attention. hahahahaah, this is a real html yap session am i right? im sorry, i will never talk like that again, please forgive me. ugghhh im not a tranny please, dont ever fucking mistake for for a tranny. i just dress like a guy sometimes, look like a guy sometimes and renamed myself to something unisex,that doesnt make me a tranny, i am a girl i am a girl. now the news is going to speculate that i commited a school shooting due to my interalized transphobia, but that is wrong, keep fucking looking idiot. they are going to say i was angry at the modern world so i commited a school shooting, that is wrong, keep fucking trying idiot. you aint close, you aint warm,you aint hot, but your getting through this god awfully long document. i like the us military, im too weak right now for it since im a young girl, but ive i gain more muscle mass and loose fat weight id be perfect. id rather do the military than college and just killmyself if things dont go well but i dont know i if i can join with scars all over my damn arm. im gone past return, point too far out to turn around, ( scars already keloids )
holy shit the music code worked, , im gonna overload this fucker till she explodes. yes ineed. I'm now going to try and make those columbine photos smaller,
it worked, my apologies for overformating but this is my own html site so I can do what I want. It's crazy how im writing this at 14, and then when either im old enough to get semi automatic guns or my friend is we shall finally blow this popsicle stick. As of right now, im not writing as much on here at this current time ( yes i know this statment was redundant and that i should capitulize my i's ) now the news is gonna assume I commited a school shooting because I know of the problems i need to fix but ignore them anyway, which is wrong, keep looking idiot.
The day i leave to have my final day, the day we go nbk, im going to smash the usb's with bricks because i dont trust you whores to take care of my stuff. I am currently in the midsts of getting rid of everything while also keeping SOME items. one day, the plants are sadly gonna have to go. i might just bury them in my backyard or give them to my dad. my dad has been getting on my nerves latley, and from the first rant in this document you can tell i have a strong disliking for my mother. Now, the news reporters are gonna say my disconnect with a favorable relationship with my parents is the reason why I shot up a school, which is false, keep looking idiot. god. you know, apprently, as maybe in one of his senior photos ( skin colored keloid scars ) and written as to doing it in his own diary, Dylan Klebold was suspected to have selfharmed by cutting himself. I love Dylan. Dogma the cat killa abriviates to DK for dogma killa, you know, like <<-VoDkA->>, dk? dylan klebold? dk? sorry.
Dylan was <<-VoDkA->> and Eric was Reb I think. my apologies to the html site mistaking <<-VoDkA->> for a tag command cos of the < and -. I need a sign tag for this site, if dylan was <<-VoDkA->> for drinking a whole bottle of vodka once ( allegidly ) and eric is reb cos columbine rebels and their rebel missions, then i shall me RAygun, because reagan annika. yes, smart yes. RAygun. If this document never reaches the light of day, that means I never commited the shooting, if this document does reach the light of the interenet that means I either commited a shooting ( search for the name Annika Lipman / Reagan Lipman on the news ) or commited suicide. idk how you would find out i commited suicide, unless you checked the news of the state where my body was found. who knows where ill be living when i kill myself. i eventually see myself killing myself. either just because, or because i shot a bunch of highschoolers. i want to shoot my brains out with a glock 20 sf like lanza. speaking of adam lanza, the ddr, for pedophilia, possible nambla joining, rantza, and shooter / murder obessed- idk where i was going with this, my apoligies. you are currently reading the writings of a 14 year old. i will soon be 15 because it is april and i was born in the same month as the columbine shooting. people like to call it the columbnie massacare, but there was only 13 people killed ( 15 if you include the sucides of the shooters ). in my opinion ( IMO ) ( i used abrviations wrong ) in my OPINION, the term massare should be reserved for events of higher kill counts, like for wars or genocides, not when random men with guns shoot up events and schools. Seung hui cho, ( i think thats how you spell it ) one of adam's favorite shooters ( also one he could probably relate too honestly ) got like a kill count just over 30, adam lanza himself got a kill count of like 26, lanza's event was called the sandyhook massaccre, but in the grand scheme of things, despite being mainly children, was not a lot of people honeslty. Once again, I think the term massacre should be saved for mass kilings. and i know shootings are considered mass shooting when its over like 3 or 5 people? but cmon, 3-5 is not mass. thats like a friendgroup. mass is like hundreds of people!! stop being pussies. oh she shot up the school people she thinks shooting a number of people under like 80 is nothing and has no value, no idiot thats not why im gonna maybe shoot up a school, keep fucking searching.
and now they are gonna say " Her being exposed to so much shit at a young age like 14 is the reason why she shot up a school later in like, wrong, keep fucking looking.
number eleven: was most sucidal in the summer of age 13
number twevle: was interested in tc before, but at 14, an older girl came into her life and introduced her to school shooters
number thirteen: used to be kind of a neoliberal considerate rule law abiding person, not anymore
number fourteen: it is suspected that her scorn for humanity since elementary and her obsession with someone who is obssedsed with school shootings is the reason she is going to commit a school shooting later in life
BINGO!!! WE HAVE A WINNER, THAT IS A VERY GOOD GUESS AS TO WHY, ILL TAKE IT. DING DING DING, WINNNERRRRRR, YES YES that is a good explanation. it is very close to what me personally ( literally the future shooter ) thinks is the reason. see, now i dont have to call you a idiot anymore for guessing something stupid. but if i do say something i know the news is going to want to interpret as a reason, im gonna call you a idiot. my bad. This site is my rant zone, my wrath zone. speaking of wrath ( klebold ) lets talk about natural selection!! ( harris ) natural selection is a theroy made by a guy named darwin i think, that organisms best fit for a SPECIFIC envirement will survive and reproduce, passing the good trait onto their children who then also breed. basically, in the end, all the ones with the bad trait die out. I think human life should be like this!! No more kemo for those who get cancer, no more being against aborting autism or down syndrome babies. A piece of infromation i carry with me is that down syndrome is caused by a copy of the 21st chromosome, and that fragile X syndrome CAN cause autism but isnt the soul thing that gives someone autism. Adam lanza had aspergers syndrome back when that was a valid diagnosis ( idk why it isnt now but the term Asperger stems from the nazi name Asperger lol ) Lanza didn't like the columbiners cos they said they liked nazi's n shit. i only joined my german class because i needed a language and everyone associates the germs with hitler and nazi's. Adam Lanza also had OCD, washing his hands so fucking often they became so sore and red, he also demanded laundry to be down very often due to how much he wanted to chnage his clothes. He loved to play ddr, going to the local theatre and playing ddr for as much as 10 hours at a time.
He drove to sandyhook on december 14th 2012 early in the morning in his mohters 2010 honda civic i think, this was after shooting her in bed four times in a row. he then shot his way into sandy hook elementary school around 9am apparnetly, and killed 20 children, 6 staff, and then himself. He apprently used a bushmaster xm-15 to kill the people, and some bitchass kid with an ugly smile saved some of his classmates by yelling " run! " when he notcied that adam lanza's bushmaster had failed to feed ( jammed ), lanza, i think once he realized his guns were jammed, decided to kill himself by shooting himself in the head with a Glock 20 sf. what kind of mm's do glock 20 sf's take? let me google the answer for once instead of just listing an answer and saying "i think" So my assumption was wrong, glock 20 short frames ( sf ) do not take 9mm's, it takes 10mm's. I really need to start using parenthesis's? brackets?? whatever these are called (())()()()()()())()())(() correctly. the abreviation is in the sentance and the term / full meaning goes into the brackets, example for my dumbass brain: Glock 20 sf ( short frame ). sorry, i just noticed I used a tool wrong for the second time on this document and wanted to correct myself. " Now you see, she commited this shooting because she clearly has OCD and feels to perfect evertyhing like how she clears up her html wording, hence why she in the end felt compelled even compulsed to shoot up a school" No NO NO!!! This is wrong, idiot. keep trying or look back to earlier when we figured out the most likley reason as to why im gonna do it!! I want this shit to be like zero day, i need to speak right to the camera, to show you that there is no reason for me doing this, that those who do not want to change cannot change. Sorry, I just recently rewatched the full thing a couple days ago and a lot of the stuff they said has been floating in my head. " clearly she commited the shooting because she was inspired by the movie Zero Day which was inspired by the idea of the basement tapes of Columbine!! " NO NO NO NO NO, stop, just stop. im gonna say it, you know im gonna say it. That is wrong you fucking idiot, keep trying or look back. I don't know if it was clear enough by how much pure thought is on this html document, but this was written in mutiple time frames, with different thoughts and emotions, not just one day.
It's a new day and i already kinda fucking hate it, now the news would say " she never woke up in a good mood, hence why she just killled a ton of people and then offed herself " NO, stop speculating, we've discussed this before.
april 10th, 4 days before my stupid birthday that isnt even really gonna be seen as my birthday. I realised that through eric harris's diaries and the amount of self-documentation that lanza did, they both hated the world. and for that i agree with them. Now the news reporters are going to say my 'scorn for hummanity' ( lanza quote lol ) is the reason why I shot up a highschool, for this, they may actually be right on that one. My morals kinda started going out the window in the 4-5th grade when I was ten. I had just watched a show, that discussed heavily of moral dilemhas and the heaven & hells. I took my spare time to write a one page essay on ethics, making points that were also mentioned in the show. Have any guesses what show this was? goodluck figuring it out. Adam Lanza hated the world due to the rape that is culture, he talked about how children are forced into so much stuff that is viewed as normal. Religion, doctor appointments, etc; ( please read his essay on this that I have linked below, please understand how he thought. )
essay
It was so interesting to read this, I think I'll give it another read soon.
I'll be putting a ton of reacources and songs on this html site, for future reference; please refer to this site as the "menia html" or "menia html document"
I want to leave behind a legacy, the ones true crime obsseded cutting teenage girls like, not normal people. They love ted bundy and they love the columbiners. I should really write my manifesto. Oh but continuing my earlier point (my apologies for getting side tracked) Adam Lanza hated the world for its rape of that is culture, and Eric harris hated the world for its impurities. When I saw impurities, i dont mean like child sex trafiicking, rape, murder, or anything like that. I mean impurities like most (E1) black people, mentally and physically retarted people, and stuff like that. Eric loved the idea of natural selection, he wanted the world to be ridded of vaccinations and support so the idiots who needed all that to survive would just die off and stop making our society impure. Eric also stated "I will sooner die than betray my own thoughts, but before I leave this worthless place, I will kill whoever I deem unfit..."
How I interpret this is that he will kill himself before those around him try to "fix him", but before he leaves he will shoot who is deemed unpure in his mind. ( Look back at E1 for reference of who I think he deems unfit )
9:36pm: My apolgies, I did not in fact write my manifesto. I cleaned my room, filled a bag with a hammer, lighters, cutters, and turpentine. I am now going to recollect on the mr.magicion doc. Sites to be in the know about: menia html doc, mr.magicion doc. For the saftey of my friends and their reputations, mr.magicion will never be intentionally public. I cant control what the fbi does with all the stuff I did on this goolge account before I died. It's funny, by the time you read this; im gone, shot, dead. You either wish i'm alive right now, or to be in the pits of hell. I appreciate you for reading all of this, if you did. I dont really care though, only people makin' archives are really gonna read allat. You know, I have to be in the mood to fully in depth explain my movties, maybe I should just be like Lanza and write a long essay along with a 10 minute audio just talking about what my thoughts are on culture. Yeah, I should do that. I'll put the audio below this paragraph so you can listen as to why I'm doing this and if return was something I was too far beyond. ( Also I am going back and changing words to not sound too much like a masochistic sadist asshole, yes I know how ironic if this is my last 'major' before a school shooting )
ughhhhh I dont have time to write a manifesto when I have newrocks coming in the mail the day before a hauntedmound concert!!! Too excited and worried somethin's gon' go wrong to record, aint gon do it yet. The concert is on april 20th, april bloody 20th. The columbiners nbk day lol. When I be singin haunted mound reapers with sematary jumpin on stage, itt'l all be in rememberance of eric and dylans greatest last day alive. Also, disregard earlier if I said the columbiners were kmfdm and nine inch nails and that i want my rememberence to be radihead, i change my mind, i want haunted mound lol. Not many people are online rn, and my friend is listening to sematary's bloody angel mixtape. I think it's safe to say I can log off for the night. G'night. I, well, the music? oh whatever. I checked, later, she is now listening to buckshot lol. It's the morning of april 13th, I am terribly bored. I don't plan to eat today, and tomorrow I will be at a birthday party that has unhealthy food. I am not going to eat the food that day to the best of my ability. I will have veggies tomorrow, once I come home from the birthday party. Despite tomorrow being my birthday, the party is not for me. This is a depressing weekend. I might just start writing out my manifesto instead, I don't feel like talking.
The Manifesto
The most modern people of this world, younger generations, are fucked. A few percent work hard and have goals for their lives, the rest use their phones as distraction from the world. They use their phones when they are bored, at school, during the slightest inconveinces, during anything. It is pathetic. People are fat, and stupid. Most fat people aren't trying to loose weight and it shows. Humans don't understand that their is no real value to their time. Hence because we have created a sense of value. Nothing in the universe changes from what humans do. Nothing changes if someone gets stabbed, or raped, or an entry to college. If these lives have no real value, then nothing should mind if we take a few off the roster. I don't plan to live long, I can't live long. I don't know my purpose as previously stated. I am most likley too weak and scarred for the US Military, so what's the point. If I have always been considered one of a "wrong mind" then I might as well. Have you ever heard of Nihilism? The belief that life has no meaning. I believe in this while still participating generally positive in soceity. I take care of my close auientances, I converse with those in love with me, I don't bodily harm human beings, I do what I'm told for the most part. I've tried being a positive contributer, my whole life. I used to have goals for my life, passions I want to pursue. That's over though, and I'm unsure as to why. I always was critical of people though, I always judged and got annoyed at some. I never showed this however, but I get quite pissed off at people. I don't understand how un-sociallyaware most people are. Those who do not understand, deserve to have their short time cut "shorter". Put them under a gravestone. Do you want to know why most normal people do not find fat humans atractive? Why most of us are attracted to signs of maturity? Evolution brother, we have evovled to be attracted towards health and signs of good repoduction heatlh, hence why we like those who are older (If we are young) and not attracted to fat people (Unless we are ill fated with fetishs or idiocracy) Let me explain. Those who are fat have more health problems. It is just facts that the fatter you are the more unhealthy you are. Being fat causes more health problems, not only that but it also most of the time shows you have a horrible diet. We are attracted to signs of maturity because that means they are most likely fully sexually developed and ready to reproduce (From a biological standpoint). Not everyone is ridden with these modern world problems, but a lot are. It doesn't take you that long to go out into public and find a fat person, or walk into a school and find someone scrolling on their phone. All of those types of people deserve to die. Which at this point you are possibly confused as to why I want to shoot up a school. Well, most of these types of people are in my highschool so. There are also so many things in society that are normalized and demonized. Pedophilia is demonized in every situation no matter the context, and transgenderism is praised. It is considered a brave thing to comeout, people even fake being transgender for attention. Pedophilia always gets a negative light. The reason why I feel pedophilia just in general gets a bad light is due to the fact that if a child were to be in a romantic and or sexual relationship with an adult, the adult has adult problems, adult sexual reproductive organs. That IS something to note yes, but consent and communication can make anything work. Adam Lanza explains this extremley well and quite thoroughly: essay. You can also listen to his points: audios. Thank you
Uh to just kinda summerize the manifesto; im dissapointed in our soceity for that the meaning and value that we have created to feel like we have purpose just isnt good enough in the grand scheme of things, hence why my drive to murder and use a gun is heightened because I feel as thought I have more of a reason to do so. Damn, that was like spirtitual preeching. Every once in a while, like very rarely, my intelect increases during the night. My vocabulary seems to increase despite my minor issues with spelling at times. I sound more sure of my points, and looping in logic that otherwise would not be needed. It is the night before my birthday, and today 1 confirmed he asked me out on a date in the summer.
This is the worst fucking birhday i've ever had, at least im done crying for now. I hate this. This was somehow shittier than christmas. i dont want to be in this family anymore. I have my mom and my dad is getting on my nerves lately. I dont know how much longer I can live here. Whenever I research things like sandyhook or columbine, a sense of anxious dred comes over me at times. I can't tell if I feel bad for the fact that the people I'm infatuated with had shot themselves, or if I feel bad due to their actions while not really being bad, in society have a weight that is considered wrong, bad, a massacere, taking away innocent lives, ruining families, harming communities, destroying schools, defacing values. This is a confusing feeling. Depressing birthday today, I need a cigarette and I just want to die. Today my friend had a dahmer day. she got to go to wisconsin and visit jeffery dahmers hotel room, his grandmas house, and more. I need nightfall to come faster, I'm getting bored. It finally turned to night. I had a lovely smoke in the backyard from the pack of malbros I found on the ground yesterday that was a little damp but able to be dried under my heatlamp. Birthday smoke.
My birthdays' in April, you wanna know all the cool stuff that has happened in April? April 20th 1999 the Columbine School Shooting by Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. April 16th 2007 the Virginia Tech Shooting by Seung Hui Cho. April 20th 1889 Hitler's birthday, April 30th 1945 Hitler's death day. April 15th 2013 the Boston Marathon Bombings by brothers Tamerlan Tsarnaev and Dzhohkar "Jahar" Tsarnaev, followed by their killing of an MIT officer, and shootout + pipebomb and pressure cooker bomb throwing at police. April 22nd 1992 Adam Lanza's birthday along with his brother Peter Lanza's birthday being April 10th 1988. April 9th 1981 Eric Harris's birthday. As well on April 15th, in 2021 the Indianapolis Fedex Shooting, the brony applejack loving shooter, Brandon Hole.
This site is embarrasing as shit, I'm tempted to clean it up a bit and delete some stuff. And if there is a way to go back and see what I have changed? Well that would be beyond my control. ahhaha i cencord the n word in this doc as if those columbiners ever did. When they were shooting up the school library, they saw isaiah who is black and they said something like "found a n*****!" ahahahahharharhrahrharhrh. aaaaaa my favorite person is listening to blur rn and has told me she used to also be obsessed with blur n' her mom listsned to them,aaaaaaa. why dont this melatonin and cigarette knock me out already what am i doing wrong. speaking of that, no i will not capitalize stuff that needs to be for grammatical sense, speaking of cigarettes, I SMELL LIKE THEM. UH OH. Had my last cigarette for this month tonight. cannot smoke or slice my arms cuz doctor appointment!! Getting blood drawn to see if my cholesterol is still high!!, help me.
So much cool stuff happens to me this April, I have to outlive April. 4/20 is the Sematary concert and the columbine shooting anniversery lol. 4/27 is the art con with a minor favorite person of mine. And earlier this month, what i've already experienced, was meeting up with my favorite person at the mall, getting kinda drunk, and just talking. That day at the mall is when my favorite person informed me that a kind soul, a minor favorite person, 1, has a crush on me. Since then he has asked me on a date for the summer. Maybe I should also outlive the summer so I can go on that date with him. Oh also my pair of big ass newrocks come in the mail this 19th, rigth before the concert. They better actually make it on time so I can wear them to the concert!! I also want to see my blood get drawn, maybe even to know how to do it on myself. I gotta live till the end of the summer, that's settled. Oh god also after the concert on 4/20 with my favorite person, I get to sleepover at her house. I get to see her house! These melatonins are not knocking me out.....
I'm so sorry about being so angry in the beggining of this document. I just get very mad at my mother for the way she is now that I have matured. Now that I have reached the age where I notice every flaw that my parents carry, including my father. I wanted to think my father was close to perfect. I know his flaws, but they weren't as bad as my mothers. I bet this site is an eye sore to read. I wonder what I'll do with this site if things don't work out. If my favorite person leaves me, if we can never get access to guns, if we grow too old. There is a three year age gap between us, Dylan and Eric were born in the same year. She's a 2006'er im a 9'er. What if this doens't work out? What if we don't get to shoot up North? What if we don't get to be the two girls that gunned down the exact school that tried to stop us when we were younger? What if I live a normal life outside of all of this? What if she kills herself before we can even plan this? What if she doesn't want to do the shooting with me? What if she changes? What if this is just her BPD fantasy and one day she grows out of it? What if I end up with my bestfriends, in their house, in New York. What if I end up in that household of dogs with my friends, and we live the life we planned before I met the person who would become my favorite person? What if I live past 28? What if I end up in college and I like it? What If I live a normal life? Do I actually feel this way or am I just depressed and on too many melatonins right now? Which by fact are currently taking effect in my system. I feel tired but I can still function awake. No, I won't continue on that. Back to what I was relentlessly "what if-ing" a second ago: What if I change before I can get a gun? What if I find a pedophile who loves me enough to get a gun? What if 1 and I end up dating? What if 1 sticks around? With the current state of things, I don't nearly talk to 1 enough for us to become close. It is sad, I want to be close with him. My current plan for tonight is to take the kitchen lighter and some arosol spray in the backyard WAIT WIAT WAIT I JUST GOT A NOTIFICATION, IS IT 1???? LET ME CHECK no its not fucking him. Goddamnit. I'll take the lighter and arosol spray to try and make a flame thrower, there. Sorry, I'm sorry. I just... I had asked 1 a question well it's not really a question. It was a recomendation for him to research the 2013 Boston Marathon Bombers: Dzhokhar "Jahar" Tsarnaev and Tamerlan Tsarnaev.
I think I spelt their names right, I hope so. Such Chechen names. God, my ass really thought the US military was an option. I disqualify for so much of it. Let me list someeeee hmmmm oh maybe the keloid scars that ain't going away any time soon. Or medication needed for mental health for a full year???? hmmmm maybe that indicates I'm too weak. 1 wouldn't talk like this. Despite saying " and I'm gay as fuck ", I feel he would keep a nuetral tone. Then again he is an autistic guy. I am very much not an autistic male. I wonder if we are compatible. I never stopped to think if we are compatible. He is interested in similar things as me, and is in love with me. But what if he loses interest in me? These are the questions to be answered. I wonder if he will even ever confess that he is in love with me. Or maybe he thinks I already assume so or know due to him asking me out. This site is really messy oh god. I don't think I can make my flame thrower in the backyard tonight, it is thundering. What I can do however is update my old computer and try to get garageband while listening to Radiohead. Forget about what I corrected earlier, I DO want to be remembered for Radiohead ( I.e Dylan Klebold remembered for Nine Inch Nails & KMFDM and Eric Harris for KMFDM ). Oh my god right as I opened my communications app, I hit the next song and it was the same song as what my favorite person is listening to, oh my god. Sorry, I'm writing shit about school shooters rn, could you catch me at a later time? hahahah ohhh the things I do at 2am. Warning, if you ever see a random pause, break in paragraph or just general sentence out of nowhere; that most likely means I deleted something. I look so much like a boy at times, thank god my bro is bisexual. Jesus christ, I need that date with him to come quick. I feel like I'm loosing him, althought he might just be burn't out and unable to respond. I'm supposed to be writing right now, oh. Not on here, the Dylan 1999 doc. Jesus if you ever find that doc; it is over for me holy shit. lol. Sorry, it's been a couple days since I've written on here. Suprise suprise, tomorrow is April 20th, and I will be attending a sematary concert. I mean it's not just a sematary concert, it's also the haunted mound boys. I recently have heard what colm aka buckshot sounds like just talking. It is so different from his music. He is sweet. Speaking of sweet people, 1!!
As you can assume, I am writing this on the night of April the 19th. I have just gotten off call with 1, it was originally him, me and my favorite person, but my favorite person left since her boyfriend wanted to play something and they were going through a conflict. Anyway, it was important that she went to him. Then it was just me and 1 on call. He is a monotone speaker, more monotone than adam lanza I'd say. We discussed slightly about shooters, some stuff about a certain person who had been bothering my favorite person in the past, and also about music n' troubles. Just a casual conversation. I may have said I find him cute during the call to which he responded by saying he thinks people find him fugly. I want to say he is not ugly, I want to call him cute, but I don't want to seem weird. He doesn't call me cute or any of that weird shit but he sticks up for me when people diss me. What's with these homies dissin' my girl? My apologies, I will not be continuing that buddy holly weezer lyric. At the end of the call, since I was getting sleepy and just wanted to head off for the night, I told him I was gonna go to bed. I said goodnight to him, and he said in quite the hesitantly sweet tone: "Goodnight Reagan". Now I shall listen to radiohead and fall asleep under my jacket. I woke up so cold but today is April 20th, anniversery of the Columbine School Shooting. I go to the Haunted Mound concert with my favorite person at around 5pm. Wish me luck.
In honor of our king of Ireland
"But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there,
I do not sleep
When Ireland lives I do not die"
Thank you Buckshot for coming to Chicago, and letting me see you sing live. I will forever remember you although high, having a good time.
Do well and be well, Colm.
Continuing. If Dylan was <<-VoDkA->>, could I be ? Or <<-RAygun->>. Settled: Original; RAygun; fan name; <<-RAygun->>
I feel odd I feel odd I feel odd. ehh i'm getting over it. I gotta do better than this. My apologies. I was originally sad for buckshot today, but someone explain how stupid it was for us to be sad over an adult man living his life, going through the process of recovery, and popping pills on tour like everyone else. Hackle, buckshot and oscar went to a college lecture on kidneys and filtering. My favorite person said they are there to learn how not to over do it on drugs. Sweet.
But do not stand at my grave and cry I'm not there
for when ireland lives
I am not dead. I'm trying to remember what Buckshot wrote.
But do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there
I do not sleep
When Ireland lives I do not die.
But do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there
I do not sleep
When Ireland lives I do not die.
But do not stand at my grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep, when Ireland Lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep, When Ireland Lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep, When Ireland lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die
But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die
I should really be trying to remember stuff for the 3 tests I have tomorrow at school rather than buckshot quotes but I don't really care about my education anymore. Now this is the part where news services say my loss for will to be educated is the reason I go on to shoot up a school, but it is very much the other way around. Also, I am open to learning currently, I just don't care about the outcome. I'll finish homework yes, study for tests? Maybe not so much.
But do not stand at my Grave and I cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die
Also, a whiiile back while I was rambling about not being Eric Harris because I actualy cencored the names of my aquaintances on this document, I said something along the lines of it being posted on his aol site but not really aol. I'm pretty sure the site I was mentioning was aohell.
Bury my heart in Ireland. Prepare my grave on the mound within. Inside the Irish castles. Where the cross meets the hill, where the grass flows in the wind. Bury my heart in Ireland Alright, no more divisions for a bit. I always said I hated poetry, but I said I hated a lot of things and then either had no care for it in the end or began to like it. My haiku of Ireland: Ireland Is Pure, Ireland Holds My Dear Heart, Ireland Is True Now time for an actual Haiku of Ireland: Ireland Smogless, Clear skys All Through Window Panes, My Own Ireland Understand that my thoughts within, could be free'd, with my own world in Ireland. Ok I'm done, my apologies for getting so poetic over a European Country at 11pm. The USB that holds all of my archives, personal and archivial, is not being recognized by my computer. I may be screwed. If this truly cannot be fixed tonight, I may bring it to my father to sauder it or a repair shop. I cannot loose those files. I don't want to be dramatic nor do I believe this is the case, but if those files never return, well I fear I then really do loose any sort of purpose to live for. I find it so funny that a very controversial person that I've heard of, who always used to draw themselves as underweight, now draws themselves as slightly overweight. From what I have learned recently, this is due to them at the time of drawing themselves as underewight, living in a homeless shelter where food for them was scarce and they were starving for a lot of the time. Now that they have a stable place to live, being roomates with their best friend, and eating well, they have now started to draw themselves with a clear gut and a bit of extra skin aka slightly overweight. Times have chnaged. Have I remembered correctly? But do not stand on my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die. It's stand at my Grave, not on. But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die. I don't have much to live for right now. Tomorrow I have an art convention to go to with my friend but I'm not that excited more than I am anxious. Social interactions are becoming fearful again, but not debilitaing like in the past. This is the part where the news says my cripiling social life was the cause of me shooting up a highschool, which, I have nothing to say to that. It is neither wrong or correct. But what is for sure is the tummy ache I have from taking too much melatonin tonight. Late night milk and cigarettes, sometimes the time is perfect. I went into the backyard, bare foot, headphones on playing Ghost Mountain as I smoked my last cigarette for the month. It was so peaceful, the wind was perfect and so was the temprature. I put out my cigarette and walked towards the house, stoping near the back door to look at the trees. The sky hadn't completely faded to black yet, still reminisence of the pinkish sunset trailing in the last moments of slight light. I am calm, not well fed but fed. Thank you for tonight, I shall put my lighter back in the bag. Slavwar is the situation between Ukraine and Russia. Sandwar is the situation between Palestine and Israel. Sometimes I am just so dreadful and sad and nihilistic
It's so odd. I think I was really happy and interseted in college when I was on prozac. I have no sense of purpose besides collecting information for my own personal use, and I feel as though Prozac might make me feel purpose again, but do I even want to feel purpose? Do I want to live past 28? Not really. Also my apologies for the random Kadoatie's from the Kadoatery, I know I said no more divisions but I thought it would be funny to put a bunch of sad crying Kadoatie's on the page right after saying I'm dreadful and nihilistic aka sad. God what if 1 sees this doc one day. What if 1 knows that when I say 1 it's him. Let's see how long I can last tonight, well, stay awake. It is almost 2am, 2- 1 minute away from it being 2am. Shall we listen to Adam Lanza talk about antinatahlism?
My ability to stay up past midnight despite taking over 40mg's of melatonin should be awared. Also coding this site. There's a ton of stuff I learnt just to make that Randal site, some of the knowledge I've been able to use here but a lot of it is googling how to format something correctly. I sound really pathetic in some parts of this document, for that I apologize. ACK A TRAPEZOID
AWWWWHHHHHHHHH
Sorry, this is really stupid. I probably just need sleep, AND NO MORE DIVISIONS!!! Going to bed at 3am. goodnight. I was so nervous yesterday, but the art con aka comic con aka c2e2 was super fun. I got a bunch of stickers and a pack of pokemon cards. One of the stickers, well two of them, are Simon Riley from COD. Simon Riley, aka Ghost is a character from Call Of Duty. Oh my god?? I'm looking back at photos and it seems not only did Sematary, Buckshot, Oscar18 and Hackle perform on 4/20 ( Columbine Anniversery ) But also April 4/15 ( Boston Marathon Bombing Anniversery ). Crazy coincidence. I need a calendar.
Look, I drew adam lanza as adam hampza
Yeah I know I said no more divisions, but I really wanted to add AL in. I should really format this attrocious site of mine better. Would you like to know my favorite quotes now that I have finished formating this very site? "But do not stand at my Grave and cry I am not there, I do not sleep When Ireland lives I do not die" -Buckshot aka Colm. "Look, I don't care what you say, if you ever touch him again, I will freakin kill you! I'm gonna pull out the god damn shot gun and blow your damn head off, do you understand? You little worthless piece of crap!" -Eric Harris. Now I must go see if I wrote Eric Harris's hitmen-for-hire quote correctly. Why do you cook so much for other people? I think I'm a bad person who must prove that they have redeeming qualities, no, I don't know. Should I listen to Elusin and read about Dylan & Eric? Maybe. And read about Oscar & Buckshot. Am I the opposite of an Incel? I'm not really searching for anyone to be with but throughout my life people have come to me, and even asked to do "stuff". I'm gonna get memories if I write about this but who cares. I lost my virginity in the freshman year to a disapointment to society. He was odd, and wanted to be a girl. He did not have the bone structure to pass as a girl. Gross times. Now I'm nervous, there's slight thunder and lightening outside the window. Loud noises scare me to an extent, and the unpredictabilty of most thunder used to terrify me as a kid. As a teen now, I'll live, but it's still scary. My apologies for sounding pathetic, I just have sound sensitivity. Ten minutes later, turns out that single burst was the only lightening tonight. I am saved. It's 2:24am but I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to be tired soon, I want to read. I want to read about Buck and Oscar and Dylan and Eric. That's it, I want to read, I don't want to sleep, I'm having an energy drink. It's 4:40 am, I just finished reading the most beautiful peace of writing I've ever read. Oh my god. Great, it's almost 5am and I am writing about me and him. What has my life come to, am I even in love with him? Maybe not, but he's taller, older, shares my interests, kind, and in love with me. I smile when I think about him. I just wrote 1,621 words about us, and now I'm rocking back and forth on my matress to distract myself from the fact that I have to pee really bad! I'm watching the sky slowly fade from night to morning, I offcially pulled an all-nighter and now have about an hour before I have to offcially get up for school. Was this a good idea? The day right before a blood test? I may not be at a favorable weight right now, but at least my collar bones show and always will. I may take a shower to freshen up before school this morning. I mean, I eventually have to get up to go pee so. I'm rambling yes, but I found new images of Adam Lanza (new to me) that I had never seen before. It is to be pressumed that the photos are of his birthday when he was younger, due to him looking juvenile and in front of a cake with candles. This radihead album is so long I think I've been listneing to it for like 3 hours now, ain't even reached the end yet. AND GOD ALLMIGHTY I MUST PEE, im going im going now, christ. You know, reading the thing about oscar and buck, now knowing what they sound like, how they act, their personalities, what they are physically like, their mannerisms, it gave me an almost new perspective reading this. Also since I didn't skim ANYTHING while reading. I didn't do it justice the first time I read it, and I didn't have time to read the full thing until now. It was truly an amazing read, emotional, got my heart pumping. Beautiful. I also remembered while I was in the bathroom, that 1 had mentioned a while back that he got a blue flannel from goodwill. That means we both wear flannels at times. CHRIST my alarm clock just scared me. It is 6:49am, blood draw tomorrow along with a fieldtrip to the zoo before. I am excited because I think I might be spending the fieldtrip in a group with two of the people I've marked down as "kind ones" in the Mr. Magicion document. They are super fun to be around, and dislike the people I dislike. I am most likely going to go shower now, put on clothes, then head to school. I wonder how well I will function today, because after all, this was an all nighter. Ok, see you around specific reader seeing this after I shot myself in a highschool. That's a bleak way to end my entry yes, but am I wrong? I wanna say though before I go for the day, this night and morning has been the least nihilistic least suicidal most happy I've been in a while without anything special needing to happen. Thank you. I may look stupid and be stupid at times, and that's ok. It's about 7pm, I need to stop putting time dates. This is not a diary. If I ever get truly bored, then I shall add photos of the bomb making sections in the anarchist cookbook. So if you ever find those images on this site, that means I got real bored one time. Last night when I pulled that all-nighter, reading the best writing about buck & oscar, then writing about me and 1, I wrote a kinda sweet doc about me and 1. Nothing really untruthful besides a fantasy-like exert, everything else being painfully true. I re-read it a moment ago and it actually makes me kinda happy. It isn't site worthy anywhere, just for me, it's a unique type of writing. Ok I've written enough for this paragraph, I can add a divsion.
I lost weight and am no longer going to self harm. I've collected enough blood for the blood bag, I could fill a vile with it by now surely. If I ever really wanted to collect blood I'd go find a blood collectiong kit. With a syringe, tubeing, vile, etc. Like how they do it at the doctors. If I asked nicely, do you think the blood nurse will let me keep a vile of my blood when I get it drawn tomorrow? Well, I got two viles, empty ones yes, but now I have viles that I can put the blood from the blood bag into. The school Zoo trip today was amazing. I got to be around my boys all day, and I have a ton of photos of them now, some with me in them too. They are all so sweet to me, I am glad they hung with me today. "SEMATARY PLAYS CALL OF DUTY," I squeaked, excited. Ate well, good omads for like two days, somehow still lost weight. Doing well. I realized today on my walk home from school that I don't think I've ever heard 1 laugh. Never on call, and never the ONE time we all hung out at the mall in his home town. Speaking of hanging out, hopefully if things work out on Friday me, 1 and my favorite person can all hangout in 1's home town mall. I think it will be interesting to hangout with 1 in person again, especially now that me and haunter (favorite person) know that 1 is in love with me. I really hope everything works out tomorrow and I get to see them. Aight, official name alias update: 1 is him, haunter girl is her. Or maybe I should choose a more accurate alias for her and just call her shoota girl. I think I'll call her shoota girl. Nope, haunter girl. Jesus. I'll never self harm again!! aaaaaaahhhh bad feeling, I have a bad feeling. I really hope friday works out, I really hope it works out. I feel like crying, I'm a pathetic female. I'm retarted and tired and female, I can't do this. Oh my god, oh my god it was perfect. I was so nervous to see him since haunter girl wasn't going to be at the mall for a bit. I found him and we walked around, we walked around and talked. He was so sweet, and then we found haunter girl and we made references and jokes and it was so fun. She told me about the things 1 has confided about me to her. She has told me he wishes to hug me but is scared I will reject him. Best day ever, I just need him to respond so I can tell him about the dream I had with him and haunter girl in it. Maybe the melatonin knocked him out before he could respond or maybe what I told him flabergasted him, either way he hasn't responded but that's ok because I know he's in love with me lol. I love you 1. Hahaha his response was just "That's sweet" and then about how his last dream was him and his dad watching a sandy hook documentary. aahhhhhrhhhhohh well. I should ask him in the morning if his dreams often reminise on topics like school shootings. I did. We are both too scared and awkward to admit anything to each other, how funny. I'm currently in a bidding war for an XBOX one, if I don't win, I'm gonna beat the shit out of who does. That's a gross over statment but I will be mad if the price gets to high or I'm outbid. Price got too high for my interest, oh well. I'm just like that girl from watamote. Socially awkward pervert freshman girl with an interest in boys. Sounds close enough to me. I used to see screencaps of the show Watamote, and see the main character. She intruiged me and now I am watching it. God damn it, I asked haunter girl a retarded question then went to go make my pickle mayo and cheese sandwich like a fatass but my mom used up all the bread! Maybe she's the real fatass. Sigh, whatever, I wasn't hungry anyway...
I hope tomorrow is better, I have to cut the lawn and I think I ate too much today. I'll weigh myself later and I'll try not to eat for the rest of the day. I should go get some gum, mow the lawn, then play guitar. Or maybe I should play neopets, then guitar, and continue 'till I get bored enough that I want to mow the lawn. Then at night I can make the Tomako Kuroki html. I promise you I never really watched anime, I usually despise anime. But this one is just really good, the main character's design is relatable to me and her overall demeener is similar to me, hence why I will be making an html on her lol. I'm almost done uploading music, I'll then go play neopets with gum in my mouth, then play guitar and mow the lawn. Night plan is set, and I should listen to a different Radiohead album soon. Or maybe I should ask 1 what his opinions on the song Harness Your Hopes by Pavement. He likes Pavement and I am mad at myself for not finding more of their music sooner. A song I like was by Pavement and I didn't even realize. You wanna know whose perfect? Oscar. Oscar is a music producer who is also great at electric guitar. He seems young, he is young. He is tall, not too muscular but nowhere near scrawny. He doesn't seem to do heavy drugs, but probably has smoked a bit. His facial structure is beautiful and his hair is not too long, not too short. His voice shows no sign of any heavy accent, and his girlfriend is quite attractive. He seems to be doing well for himself, especially since he is currently on a world wide tour. He seems to have close friends, including a childhood friend, Colm. Colm was given strong and addictive medication ever since he was a kid, and depended on it for a long time. Despite Colm going to rehab for a bit, now that he is on tour with Oscar he seems to have relasped. Meth aligations where spreading as well. Both Oscar and Colm are irish although Colm is the only one with an apparent accent. They have been friends all throughout their schooling lives and are still quite close. Colm often refers to Oscar like a brother, it is clear they enjoy each other's presence. Why didn't I start a document like this sooner, hm? I was unaware that my future presence may have meaning like a school shooter who ended his life by a self inflicted gunshot wound. What I mean is that people like looking over the online presence and general lively presence of those who have commited attrocious crimes, especially if they are young. Think of Adam Lanza, Dylan Klebold, Eric Harris, Dylann Roof, etc. I still like Ireland. I should write more poetry of Ireland, convince my parents to take me to Ireland. Maybe even one day see Colm and Oscar tour in Ireland. I am once again bidding on an XBOX one on ebay. I really hope I can secure one and Call of Duty Modern Warfare before my trip to Europe this summer. I am not looking forward to this years Euro Trip. I have to be with my mother for a lot of the time, and I am most likely going to gain weight. Not excited.
Why am I the only kid who has a periodic table in their room from middle school? Why am I the only kid who would sit on the ground at the school bus stop? Why was I the only kid who would bring baked cinnomon rolls for my classmates in high school? Why was I the only kid who would make food at home for my friends and bring it to school? Why am I the only kid who has to cover their self harm scars in gym class? There are so many things I do in my community and school that really only apply to me, but why? You'd think there would be at least one other person, by chance, but no. I'm gonna go weigh myself and see if I'm a disapointment or not. I'm not doing too bad, I just have 24 pounds to go lol, but really about 20 pounds. Amazing. This site is a mess but it's not too bad.
Ulterior Motives "Everyone knows that" -Christopher Saint Booth (1986)
Did you know this song was considered lost media
for a while until a guy recognized the 17 second
snipit playing in the background of a porno?
How great is the internet! I've been listening to it on repeat
as I add it into this site as a keepsake. Take a listen if you want.
Am I in love with 1? I've written things about him, I had a dream about him holding me, but what does this all mean? I know he's in love with me, because he asked me out on a date for the summer and then haunter girl told me he confessed to her that he is in love with me. Haunter girl also told me that he said he really wants to hug me. She told me this after 1 left the mall to go get the bus home. I've probably already mentioned this but at many times during the mall, I felt physical tempation and emotion to hug him. When his back was facing me, I could see his back bones poking through his thin sweater. He is underweight, this I know for a fact, and overall looks super thin. I long to be as thin as him and maybe even to be with him. Just to be held by him, ackaknowledged by him, loved. If I live past my shooter days, aka past the age of 28, I would probably consider converting to Catholicism. I have two things coming in the mail now: A Mother's Reckoning by Sue Klebold, and a small unoffical kit for drawing blood. Oh my god, no one likes masculine women. I need to start dressing like a girl and go by my birth name asap. I'd be uncomfortable as hell, and what if 1 falls out of love with me? He's fallen in love with me at my current state, actually at a worser state somehow, I weighed more and fashionbly was a bit blind. Holy hell, how do I balance all of this. My friends better not question my birthname showing up places all of a sudden, oh my god. Hahah a friend of mine from bio class recomended I watch the show Baby Reindeer, and now on the haunted mound reddit they are talking about it. This site is mad entertaining to look back at and read. I win, well, I won. I won the auction for the XBOX one. I win. On the bus ride home today, the driver was playing the radio and since it is throwback thursday they were playing hits from the 90's and early 2000's. The song Feel Good Inc. by Gorillaz started playing. I had a huge Gorillaz obsession from late 8th grade to first semaster of freshman year. I also got the yearbook today, which has a bunch of photos from semaster one of freshman year, lets just say there isn't a photo where I wasn't wearing my gorillaz shirt lol. Oh my god, Adam Lanza played Call Of Duty, Sematary plays Call Of Duty, now is my time.
I'm Scared so I Play my Guitar -Raegun
Oh
Say, say it to her
I'm not listenin'
anymore
Say, say it to her
I'm not listenin'
anymore
Oh.
I'm going to make an animation of Me, 1 and Haunter Girl around our summer bonfire as I play my song on guitar. Why? Because I love them and I made my own song for once. I am going to write to Pastor Adams, I wonder what I should say to him. I should talk about going from liberal to moderate, yes. Things ain't great. Slash's mom has cancer, and not a great survival rate either. Sematary is a drug addicted ego-centric asshole, and espcially an asshole to Turn and Goner. Haha I'm at my friends house as I write this. Interesting thing I wrote in quotes a while ago, wanna hear? "I don't really care what you do, I love you. Just don't make it hurt." "I commit this shooting in hopes of my mothers suicide and because of my sever loss of morality from an early age" This sentiment means she commits the shooting in hopes that her mother will become so distraught over it that she commits suicide, and that her moral values depleated from a young period in her life. This girl, hopes her mother dies from her own infliction (suicide) and see's no reason in human existence ( nihilism ) that she took lives with an automatic rifle. Who is this girl? I. A girl reading A Mother's Reckoning by Sue Klebold, with relating thoughts, I. The girl, young, is me. A Mother's Reckoning is truly emotionally touching to read, the worry and fear I feel while reading tells me something. If I feel these things while reading the account of someone, not just anyone, the mother of Dylan Klebold, would I even ever be able to bring myself to commit actions like her son? Let alone her son and son's friend? I'm unsure now. As I was playing guitar the other night, I may have had a realization. If 1 truly loves me, then he would want to live with me right? My best friends want me to live with them and take care of them when we are all older, and if 1 is truly here to stay long term ( due to his love ) then could he live with us? This may sound redundant out of context, but is 1 the one? Maybe I should remove my socialbility for a few days and focus on centering my thoughts, figuring out a life for myself without haunter girl and a shooting. Even live past 28. Psychologically understand myself, clean up this site again, and move on with my life. I started this site in the midst of my loss of purpose, ranting and adding images of the death of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris. How could I focus on 1 though if our conversations are so limited, our socialbility so confined due to our social awkwardness and his held back love due to fear of rejection. How can I truly find purpose in my life if nothing is showing me worth besides people who have done or do bad things, and losing weight? My apologies for my continued and repetative use of the word "Truly". No one is going to care for this website, this is a waste of time. You know, this is all really retarted and I don't want to do this anymore, goodnight.